Life Lately

I’ve been struggling lately on what sort of blog posts to do. I started this as a way to raise awareness about my memory loss & blackouts so I try my best to stick to the subject in all posts which can make it difficult to blog if i haven’t blacked out much! So I thought I’d give an update on the past couple of weeks.

So, life recently has been pretty average tbh.

As you’ll know if you read one of my recent posts – ’10 Days Black Out Free’, I was on a roll with not passing out. I went something like 12 days black out free in the end which is easily a record because it was getting to a point where I was blacking out on average at least once a week so the 12 day streak of being black out free came as a surpise! I got so excited but at the same time tried not to get my hopes up too much as I knew that a black out would be just around the corner. And it was! Boo!

I worked my 10 days of early shifts and it actually went better than I thought. I was overly careful and took painkillers when I needed them instead of trying to be big boll*x and soldier on without them. I went to Thorpe Park with a group of friends and it was an amazing day. The sun was shining, I was with my other half and some great friends, we laughed til our tummies hurt and made as much noise as possible on every rollercoaster!

 

After that weekend when my partner and I came home, we were both clearly tired and I just knew that a black out was on it’s way! I passed out on the Sunday and Monday but can’t really remember them ones. And I also passed out the Tuesday. My partner went off to work as usual and because she had the car with her she thought she would come home on her break to surprise me but clearly I had my own surprise for her! She came in and found me passed out on the bed. I had completely forgotten the weekend at Thorpe Park and I was gutted. I felt really low and agitated and I was supposed to go in to work to cover a shift that day but my partner had to call and inform them that I wouldn’t be able to.

I think I’ve pretty much caught up with most of my memory now and I’ve been back to work.

I’ve also finished reading the book that was suggested to me by the last Dr I saw at the JR. It’s called ‘It’s All In Your Head’. I was very dubious about reading this book for obvious reasons. But never the less, I’ve read it. I’m still not sure what I think about it but I have learnt a few things from it. I’m not sure if I will do a review on the book exactly but I may do a blog post on some of the things that I did learn from it.

My partner and I also went to watch ‘Mrs Browns Boys’ live and if you are a fan of the programme then I would definitely suggest going to see it live! We went over to Birmingham early on the train as the sun was out so we visited a few beer gardens and sat catching some rays!

 The show started at 19:30 I spent pretty much the whole 3 hours of it laughing! I love it when they mess lines up or make each other laugh and just play off it and carry on like it was supposed to happen, it’s great, it really adds to the funny side of it. The only thing was that we forgot to check what time the last train back from Birmingham was and it’s safe to say that we were going to miss it if we wanted to stay and watch the whole show! BUT, luckily, my lil sis was also in Birmingham at a gig and my mum had driven her there and was taking her home so, once again, momma bear came to the rescue and we got a lift home!

So, all in all, I’ve had a pretty decent couple of weeks. The weather has been nice to us, I blacked out less than usual, visited friends, went to a theme park, and went to see a live show! And if you read ‘A Bucket List For April’ you will see that this means I completed a fair few things on it already! Hehe.

Thank Your for reading and I hope your last couple of weeks were as good, if not better, than mine 🙂

#Forgetfulblogger

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Memory Loss Isn’t Something You Can See

 

#Forgetfulblogger

Just like depression, anxiety and other illnesses on the inside – You can’t see memory loss. People that I walk past in the street probably have no idea that I suffer from memory loss as well as anxiety and depression. They have no idea that it sends my anxiety through the roof as it makes me over think everything so much more and become even more paranoid which then gets me down and makes my depression worse. Which I guess can sometimes be a good thing because I don’t want every Tom, Dick and Harry to know whats running through my head when I’m out in public and I don’t want to be defined by it either. I am still a human being.

On the outside and on social media I know I can come across to a lot of people as being quite outgoing and positive. But I’m clearly just a very good actress! They don’t know that inside I am thinking such self destroying thoughts as I walk past them in the streets. Thinking that they are judging me for how I look- ‘Look at the way she walks’, ‘Look how tall she is’, ‘She looks so silly’, ‘What on earth is she wearing’. I try to convince myself that this is all in my head, that im not being judged by every single person I walk past. What makes me soo special that everyone wants to look at me? Most people probably don’t even notice what im wearing or how my hair looks. I know everyone notices my height but that’s not exactly something that I can change so why don’t I just embrace it!? Much easier said than done.

If I’ve recently passed out, all of those thoughts seem so magnified. I become a lot more weary. I look in to things a lot more because I feel I need to be on the ball more with what’s going on around me. Anyone could take advantage as I’m so confused with what day it is and what I should be doing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is to not judge others from how they may look or come across on the outside. You never know what they are going through and how they may be feeling on the inside. Sometimes people think I look really angry, I’ve been told that people have been worried about approaching me when they’ve seen me in the street because I looked like I was ready to bite someones head off! I’m really not that bad, honest! If you do see me in the street then please do approach me. I may be stunned at first, it may take me a minute to realise who you are, you may have to explain who you are, or I may know exactly who you are and throw you a big cheesy grin! But either way, I’d be extremely grateful if you did approach me 😊

Some people are better than others at hiding what’s going on inside their head. But that doesn’t mean that whatever they are going through is any less important or worrying as others that are able to talk about their feelings or worries.
#Forgetfulblogger 

The Fidget Cube Test

A couple of my work colleagues recently purchased a ‘Fidget Cube’ I’d never seen one before. They are used to relieve stress in adults and calm children with ADHD. When I first saw a Fidget Cube I immediately wondered how/if it would work for people suffering from anxiety. So, who best to try it than myself!

I purchased one from ebay, not wanting to spend too much as I couldn’t find much research for them to prove that it actually works (and I can also be a tight a*se tbh!).

It finally arrived in a small, black, zipped up case.

1st side is a smooth dip – Inspired by traditional worry stones that when rubbed tend to reduce stress and anxiety.

2nd looks like the face of a dice- It has 5 small buttons, 3 of which make a clicking sound and the other 2 are silent.

3rd is like a light switch- You can pivot the switch back and forth which also gives a small clicking sound.

4th is a joy stick- Perfect for gamers, it glides side to side, up and down, and all around.

5th has 2 different “fiddly bits”- 3 gear-like parts that roll and a small silver ball that rolls and also clicks in.

6th the spin- Similar to an old phone dial for a circular fidget.

I have put my Fidget Cube to the test many times in different circumstances

At work- I work in an office, sat at a desk all day so I do tend fidget a lot. Although my anxiety doesn’t peak too much at work anymore I do still use it when I’m walking around the building in case I bump into someone and have to actually socialise! So I just keep my Fidget Cube in my pocket and no one even knows. Unless some of them read this now lol.

Public transport– Luckily, I don’t have to use public transport very much anymore. I’ve always hated it though for many reasons. It’s dirty, rarely on time, can be very loud and it means being out in public where there’s usually lots of people. I’ve used the train twice since having my Fidget Cube and I must admit, I feel that it’s really helped. I just keep my cube in my pocket and fidget away. I sometimes just have the cube out on the table as it’s nothing to be ashamed of and if someone with high stress or anxiety levels clocks it and realises what it is, it may make them purchase and try it out.

   I hope this blog is useful for anyone suffering from stress, anxiety, ADHD or any other issues which may result in a Fidget Cube being the answer to all their fidgeting! It comes in many different colours and is also small enough to fit in your pocket or to be hidden in your hand if it’s something you don’t want others to know about.

 I would highly recommend this small but successful device😊

#ForgetfulBlogger