The Liebster Award

First of all, thanks scribblecity for nominating me.

I’ve never been nominated to do anything like this before so i’m quite excited to be taking part!

If you’re nominated the rules are:

  • Post 11 facts about yourself
  • Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers
  • Ask those bloggers 11 questions
  • Let the bloggers know that you have nominated them

Here we go…

11 Facts About Myself

I have recently done a post called 40 Facts About Me so I am going to duplicate a couple (sorry)

  1. I’m 6ft3 – Which is very tall for a female! I don’t really like it because I stick out like a sore thumb and it’s such a pain in the ar*e to find womens trousers that are long enough! I end up spending a fortune which i don’t think is fair, I didn’t ask to be this tall! Lol.
  2. I suffer from black outs and memory loss – Dr’s can’t seem to find a reason for it which is becoming extremely frustrating. I’ve lost the past 2 years of my life which I am slowly getting used to but every time I pass out I tend to lose the past couple of days although they do slowly come back over the following days. But I would really just love an explination for it.
  3. I am absolutely terrified of moths and butterflies! – I’ve found other people that are also scared of moths but they still think butterflies are pretty. HOW!? They are basically just moths with make-up on! Don’t be fooled by them! When I say I’m petrified that’s literally no exaggeration – I sweat and almost have a break down if I even see a picture of a moth or butterfly so I’m sure you can imagine what I’m like if I actually cross paths with one!
  4. I came out about being bi-sexual when I was about 18/19 – I remember I wrote a letter for my mum explainging it, I dropped it on her lap and ran back to my room quickly because I was sh*t scared of what the outcome would be! My mum is the most open minded and understanding person ever but I was still soo worried about telling her about my sexuality. She came along to my room, we had a chat and she comforted me then we made a few jokes about it lol!
  5. I am dyslexic – It’s no biggie these days, so many people are told they have dyslexia and there’s so many ways around it now that technology has moved forward. But, I wasn’t diagnosed with it at school, it wasnt picked up on until I was 16 and started college. I went through primary and secondary school just assuming I was thick and teachers assumed I just wasnt listening because I wasnt picking things up like my classmates. I remember feeling so relieved once it got picked up at college. I finally had answers and I wasnt just thick! It was such a good feeling, I was actually happy to be told I was dyslexic because that meant there was a reason for me struggling so much!
  6. I’m obsessed with crisps – Well, any carb really, but I LOVE crisps! Any flavour, any make, ANY crisps! You can keep all the chocolate and cakes as long as I get the crisps. And please don’t expect me to share my crisps because that would be like asking me for a limb! I can eat a share bag in like under 10mins and I’m not even ashamed haha!
  7. The sound of a hairdyer or hoover can help me sleep – Ok so this may sound weird to so many of you but even Wayne Rooney has his hoover on sometimes to help him sleep! I don’t go that far, what a waste of electricity, but I suppose he can afford it! I just have an app on my phone that plays out the sounds of hoovers, hairdyrers, washing machines, lawn mowers and so on. Aparently these sounds are all similar to the sound we hear in our mothers wombe which can be very relaxing for babies… I have no explination as to why it still comforts me…. Awks.
  8. I used to play Softball for Great Britain – When I was playing softball in my teens I really didn’t understand how playing for GB was such a huge accomplishment. I was so humble about it when I’d tell people and they would be like “OMG that’s soo cool!”. But now im older and can appreciate it i’m like damn, yeah, that’s a big thing! Me and my 2 best friends were like the 3 amigos. We were like joint at the hip and that didn’t change at softball either. We travelled to some great places with our GB team and we were so gutted when it got taken out of the olympics!
  9. I prefer dogs to people –  Come on… Who wouldn’t!? They don’t argue back, they are so loyal, cute, they know when something is wrong, always up for a cuddle, protect you no matter what, always happy to see you, yes you have to pick up their poop but I’ve also had a lot of human friends sh*t on me too… Just not in the same sense!
  10. I didn’t even understand what a blog was until a few months ago –  With my black outs and memory loss I can really struggle. Yes I have so much support around me from my fammily and close friends but I still feel so lonely as I am yet to find someone going through the same thing. So I want to raise awareness for my condition. The idea of a blog was suggested… I’d come across the word before but didn’t have a clue what it really was and after doing some research I thought WHY NOT! I still learn every day from other bloggers and I’m far from being a pro but I love it and I’ve taught so many people about my condition and found people that have similar problems all thanks to starting a blog!
  11. I’m an extremely strong believer in ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’. I believe that our lifes have already been written out, everything happens for a reason and we are always on the path that we should be on in life even when we are struggling… There’s a reason for it!

11 Questions I Have Been Nominated To Answer

1. What is 1 thing that has changed your life, and how/why?

My job – It’s changed my life for the better, it’s made me mature, given me a better outlook on life, given me another chance and been very supportive through what’s been happening with my health lately and made my bank healthier!

2. What 5 words best describe you?

Tall, caring, humble, anxious, forgetful..

3. What’s the scariest thing you have ever done?

Performed with BabyD in front of 50,000 people in Liverpool.

4. If you could give the younger you 1 piece of advice, what would it be?

Not everyone is going to like you or agree with you so just do you and the right people will love you.

5. What is your dream job and why?

Probably to be a DJ mainly a radio DJ on a channel like 1xtra. I love playing music that puts others in a good mood and gets them moving.

6. How do you pick yourself up on a down day?

Sometimes reading some inspirational quotes on Instagram helps. But usually chatting to my other half or mum gets my ar*e into gear!

7. What experience is at the top of your bucket list?

My life bucket list probably has ‘Own my own house’ at the top of it.

8. Who inspires you and why?

My mum. She’s such a strong, independent woman that has fought through so much in her life and come out the other end even stronger! If I can be even half the woman my mother is then I’d be happy with that.

9. What do you love the most about your friends?

They are full of banter and rarely struggle to make me smile but can also be serious when needed.

10. What made you start your blog?

I want to raise awareness for my un-named condition and maybe find others in similar situations and help and share coping mechanisms with them.

11. Which TV/film/book character do you most relate to and why?

DORY! I think it’s pretty self explanitory! Shes forgetful like me and has memory loss like me!
Thank you @scribbleincity for nominating me. I’ve had great fun writing this up! I did try not going on too much lol!

I am nominating:

Mrs_Dollie

Chloe

Lisa

Nicole Francesca

John Sennett

Kimmiee

Samantha

Discount Style Guru

Lydia Wilkins

Emma

PaleGirlRambling

Questions I Would Like You To Answer:

  1. Why did you start blogging?
  2. Who inspires you, not just in the blogging world but in life?
  3. What social media app do you find you use the most for your blogging?
  4. One thing you are most scared of in life?
  5. Do you prefer a night in with friends or a night out on the town?
  6. What topics do you blog about most and why?
  7. Do you find the blogging community supportive? 
  8. If you were an animal, what would it be and why?
  9. What is your favourite genre of music?
  10. What’s the bravest thing you’ve done in the past week or so?
  11. Do you prefer savoury or sweet treats?


#forgetfulblogger

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Memory Loss Isn’t Something You Can See

 

#Forgetfulblogger

Just like depression, anxiety and other illnesses on the inside – You can’t see memory loss. People that I walk past in the street probably have no idea that I suffer from memory loss as well as anxiety and depression. They have no idea that it sends my anxiety through the roof as it makes me over think everything so much more and become even more paranoid which then gets me down and makes my depression worse. Which I guess can sometimes be a good thing because I don’t want every Tom, Dick and Harry to know whats running through my head when I’m out in public and I don’t want to be defined by it either. I am still a human being.

On the outside and on social media I know I can come across to a lot of people as being quite outgoing and positive. But I’m clearly just a very good actress! They don’t know that inside I am thinking such self destroying thoughts as I walk past them in the streets. Thinking that they are judging me for how I look- ‘Look at the way she walks’, ‘Look how tall she is’, ‘She looks so silly’, ‘What on earth is she wearing’. I try to convince myself that this is all in my head, that im not being judged by every single person I walk past. What makes me soo special that everyone wants to look at me? Most people probably don’t even notice what im wearing or how my hair looks. I know everyone notices my height but that’s not exactly something that I can change so why don’t I just embrace it!? Much easier said than done.

If I’ve recently passed out, all of those thoughts seem so magnified. I become a lot more weary. I look in to things a lot more because I feel I need to be on the ball more with what’s going on around me. Anyone could take advantage as I’m so confused with what day it is and what I should be doing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is to not judge others from how they may look or come across on the outside. You never know what they are going through and how they may be feeling on the inside. Sometimes people think I look really angry, I’ve been told that people have been worried about approaching me when they’ve seen me in the street because I looked like I was ready to bite someones head off! I’m really not that bad, honest! If you do see me in the street then please do approach me. I may be stunned at first, it may take me a minute to realise who you are, you may have to explain who you are, or I may know exactly who you are and throw you a big cheesy grin! But either way, I’d be extremely grateful if you did approach me 😊

Some people are better than others at hiding what’s going on inside their head. But that doesn’t mean that whatever they are going through is any less important or worrying as others that are able to talk about their feelings or worries.
#Forgetfulblogger 

Into The Deep – #ForgetfulBlogger 

Ok, so I was overwhelmed with the support I received after posting my first ever blog and got so excited about my next entry – But I had no idea where to take it from there! I turned to friends and family and asked- What is it you would like to know about my experiences with blackouts and memory loss, so that I could go into a little more depth with it all. So here goes…

#ForgetfulBlogger

-Do you ever remember things that you have forgotten and are there ways you can get any of those memories back or do they come back randomly?

During the “big blackout” that I had where I’ve lost 2 years of my memory I have remembered a few random things. Usually something jogs my memory like in 2015 our bungalow got flooded from a burst pipe, we had to live in rented accommodation while our house got sorted. I had forgotten all of this but I used to go past the house that we temporarily rented almost every day and one day something just jogged my memory! I remembered that we had lived there for 2 months! Sometimes I could just be laid in bed thinking and I have to ask ‘was that a dream or is it a lost memory from the past 2 years?’ lol. If you can imagine waking up from a deep dream but when you try to explain it to someone it all seems quite blurry- THAT is how bits of my memory come back. When I have these smaller episodes of blacking out – I tend to loose the last 2 or 3 days and most of that slowly comes back over about a week.

-Do the Drs know if its heredity and has anything like this ever happened to any other family members?

No, they cant see any signs to say that its heredity and nothing like this has happened to any family members, that I’m aware of.

-Do you know you’re about to pass out or is it sudden?

I can never remember what or how i feel seconds before i black out, but during the lead up to me passing out- I will get a severe headache, a lot worse than it usually is. This usually gives me and others around me an indication as to what’s about to happen. Ive been told that I also become very quiet and quite withdrawn from whatever is going on and round me. My partner has told me that my veins In my hands stand out and become raised which I am assuming is to do with my blood pressure rising from whatever is happening inside my body at the time.

-Can you remember your initial thoughts when you first come round after passing out? What goes through your mind when it happens now?

When all of this started it was very confusing and quite scary when I first came around. Id usually be surrounded by my mother and partner and sometimes an ambulance crew. I remember the first couple of times thinking ‘I wonder if I’ve lost another 2 years or if my memory has all come back’, neither of which was right. I used to worry and get a little scared, I didn’t know  what was going on and how I ended up on the floor. Now it seems to be a regular occurrence – I wake up knowing what’s likely to have just happened and just think ‘Oh not again’, my partner asks how my head is, whether I’m in pain and what day I think it is. I still have some slight confusion when I come around and I feel quite vulnerable at first but I recover a lot quicker now.

– What was it like when you first blacked out and came around feeling like you’d travelled to the future, how was it adjusting to every day things?

Well I thought it was all a huge joke that everyone was in on! I was determined that it was still 2014, I’d get upset and angry because I thought that everyone else was wrong! The Dr’s were constantly asking questions to find out how much of my memory had gone and I’d get would up and annoyed with them. I did get a little bit cheeky – Id memorise signs around me so that when the Dr’s or my family would ask ‘Do you know where you are now Daniella?’ I’d remember all the signs id seen. They caught me out most of the time though! When I was allowed to leave hospital and I walked into my house a lot had changed in the past 2 years. I became quite upset and agitated with all of the changes I could see around me. I had to ask where so many things were including my own belongings in my own home. But, on the plus side – I had a whole new wardrobe, a lot more money, and a much better partner!

-What sort of tests have you had done so far?

So, when I started getting these horrendous headaches I went to the opticians to see if it had anything to do with my eyesight as I do wear glasses. They noticed that my peripheral vision in my left eye was absent. I had numerous field tests at the opticians and it was handed over to my local eye hospital but apart from slightly bad vision in my left eye, there was nothing serious to be seen and nothing to link it to my headaches. Things with my head kept getting worse, I tried almost every painkiller that could be bought over the counter and they just weren’t touching the pain. I ended up going to my Dr Who organised tests for sinusitis and when that showed nothing and they referred me to a neurologist. Through them I have had a lot of MRI scans, neuoropthalmology tests, an EGG test where they wired up my head and checked for any abnormal activity, and when I was in hospital I had a lumbar puncture done to check for any infections. None of which explain whatever condition it is that I have.

– Do you ever talk to your friends and family about the effects this has on them, it must cause a tremendous strain on your personal relationships?

I don’t think I’ve asked them outright as I believe I know how it must effect them. Obviously my mum, sister and partner are extremely  supportive and I understand the strain it must have and still puts on them. Luckily I knew them all before 2014 lol. My close friends are also very supportive and patient and have a slight understanding of what goes on and maybe after reading my blog, you too will have an insight as to what goes on. My work colleagues I think it was most strange for. They had a rough idea as to what had happened but I don’t think it really hit them until I first walked back into the office again. They obviously remembered me but had to treat me like a stranger in a way. They have also been very supportive and helped me while I re-trained for my job again which I’m extremely thankful for.

 -Does it effect your everyday life like going out?

It doesn’t stop me from going out altogether, no. I don’t worry too much about passing out while I’m out in public and that hasn’t happened yet. But if I’ve already passed out I tend to be a bit vulnerable for a day as im still getting used to the fact that my memory has gone back a day or two. I tend not to go out by myself very often anyway so I’ve always got my partner, mother or a close friend with me for reassurance. When I first lost my memory I did worry that I’d see someone that I’d  met between 2014 and 2015 that I couldn’t remember. Or, I’d worry that I might attempt to speak to someone that I’d stopped speaking to between 2014 and 2015 for whatever reason but I think I’ve caught up with everyone now!

Thank you so much to everyone that participated in helping me to write my second blog – Into The Deep.

 

 

First blog – The Forgetful Intro 

My name is Daniella. I am 25 years of age (apparently lol).

I suffer with what some may call “blackouts”. It starts off with a headache that becomes severely unbearable and I lose consciousness. When I come back round I tend to lose memory of the past 2 days or so. Dr’s and specialists have no idea what this is or what the reason for it may be.

This all started last year when I was at work one evening with an awful headache. I took myself out of the office, sat in the kitchen and took some painkillers. I then collapsed and was found by my colleagues who then called for an ambulance. I wasn’t taken to hospital and the medics put it down to a migraine. 

A few days after this random episode I went out for a meal with family and when I got home I passed out again. Only this time, when I came around, I had lost the past 2 years of my memory, I thought it was 2014 and was understandably very confused. I was in and out of the Dr’s and hospital for some time and ended up being kept in on a ward for a couple of nights. 

I thought it was one huge joke or TV show and everyone was in on it just messing around. I kept waiting to see a camera pop round the corner. I was convinced it was still 2014. I’d forgotten all about my new job, I forgot passwords for my online banking and social media, I had a new partner (luckily I knew her from years ago and she wasn’t a complete stranger!). I was, in a way, quite fortunate that apart from my new job there were no huge changes in my life from 2014-2016.

Numerous tests were done, hundreds of questions were asked but no answers were given and I was discharged. My notes are still getting passed from Dr to Dr. I’m still being poked and prodded by specialists. And I still have no answers. 

I have been retrained at my job thanks to the company and my employees for being so supportive. I have got used to a whole new wardrobe and style. I’ve slowly rebuilt relationships with people I had met during 2014 and 2016. And I’ve just simply adapted to “a new life”.

With my blogs I hope to help people in similar situations. Learn and share coping mechanisms. And maybe start some sort of awareness. Because although I have so many supportive people around me, I feel so lonely due to  the fact that no one can see it from my point of view. 

So please bare with me as I’ve never done a blog before but I hope you enjoy reading my journey 🙂 

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