Life Lately

I’ve been struggling lately on what sort of blog posts to do. I started this as a way to raise awareness about my memory loss & blackouts so I try my best to stick to the subject in all posts which can make it difficult to blog if i haven’t blacked out much! So I thought I’d give an update on the past couple of weeks.

So, life recently has been pretty average tbh.

As you’ll know if you read one of my recent posts – ’10 Days Black Out Free’, I was on a roll with not passing out. I went something like 12 days black out free in the end which is easily a record because it was getting to a point where I was blacking out on average at least once a week so the 12 day streak of being black out free came as a surpise! I got so excited but at the same time tried not to get my hopes up too much as I knew that a black out would be just around the corner. And it was! Boo!

I worked my 10 days of early shifts and it actually went better than I thought. I was overly careful and took painkillers when I needed them instead of trying to be big boll*x and soldier on without them. I went to Thorpe Park with a group of friends and it was an amazing day. The sun was shining, I was with my other half and some great friends, we laughed til our tummies hurt and made as much noise as possible on every rollercoaster!

 

After that weekend when my partner and I came home, we were both clearly tired and I just knew that a black out was on it’s way! I passed out on the Sunday and Monday but can’t really remember them ones. And I also passed out the Tuesday. My partner went off to work as usual and because she had the car with her she thought she would come home on her break to surprise me but clearly I had my own surprise for her! She came in and found me passed out on the bed. I had completely forgotten the weekend at Thorpe Park and I was gutted. I felt really low and agitated and I was supposed to go in to work to cover a shift that day but my partner had to call and inform them that I wouldn’t be able to.

I think I’ve pretty much caught up with most of my memory now and I’ve been back to work.

I’ve also finished reading the book that was suggested to me by the last Dr I saw at the JR. It’s called ‘It’s All In Your Head’. I was very dubious about reading this book for obvious reasons. But never the less, I’ve read it. I’m still not sure what I think about it but I have learnt a few things from it. I’m not sure if I will do a review on the book exactly but I may do a blog post on some of the things that I did learn from it.

My partner and I also went to watch ‘Mrs Browns Boys’ live and if you are a fan of the programme then I would definitely suggest going to see it live! We went over to Birmingham early on the train as the sun was out so we visited a few beer gardens and sat catching some rays!

 The show started at 19:30 I spent pretty much the whole 3 hours of it laughing! I love it when they mess lines up or make each other laugh and just play off it and carry on like it was supposed to happen, it’s great, it really adds to the funny side of it. The only thing was that we forgot to check what time the last train back from Birmingham was and it’s safe to say that we were going to miss it if we wanted to stay and watch the whole show! BUT, luckily, my lil sis was also in Birmingham at a gig and my mum had driven her there and was taking her home so, once again, momma bear came to the rescue and we got a lift home!

So, all in all, I’ve had a pretty decent couple of weeks. The weather has been nice to us, I blacked out less than usual, visited friends, went to a theme park, and went to see a live show! And if you read ‘A Bucket List For April’ you will see that this means I completed a fair few things on it already! Hehe.

Thank Your for reading and I hope your last couple of weeks were as good, if not better, than mine 🙂

#Forgetfulblogger

10 Days Blackout Free!

Woohoo!

It’s now been 10 days since I’ve blacked out!

Maybe I’m cursing myself by celebrating and writing this but at this moment in time, I really don’t care! Haha.

It wasn’t long ago that my partner and mother worked out that I was passing out on average about once a week. That’s a lot of times to be losing memory! I started to become even more depressed and worried, I was calling in sick at work more, leaving the house less and so confused all the time as to what day it actually was and what I should have been doing. My repeat prescription got longer and I just had no hope in things ever becoming any better. If anything, I thought I’d just spiral further and further down into a black hole!

Last week I realised that I had agreed to work 10 early shifts in a row. That’s 10 days of waking up at 04:30! I didn’t notice until a work colleague pointed it out to me and I regretted it as soon as I saw the roster! When my partner found out, she was instantly worried. When I have less sleep and tire myself out, the chances of me blacking out get a lot higher. She made me promise that I’d try to nap after work and let my manager know if I started to feel too warn down.

I’ve napped twice, made sure I’ve prepped as much as possible in the evenings like food and my outfit for the next day, and taken painkillers as soon as I could feel my headache getting worse. I’ve even been out and socialised. I’ve been to my mums for coffee, I went out for a drink with my partner when the sun was out, and I’ve been out for food for my mums birthday. So as much as I was regretting this week, I’ve actually really enjoyed it and things have been as normal as possible – No passing out, in bed at a reasonable time and socialising as much as possible.

It’s now Friday, day 10 of 10 early shifts. I will be finishing work at about 14:00, maybe having a nap once I get home, then shower and pack ready for the weekend as my partner and I are going to our friends tonight and a group of us are going to Thorpe Park tomorrow! I’ve had a fair amount of coffee and an energy drink the past few days but I’m not half as worn down as I thought I’d be at this point!

Now, I’m quite a believer in fate and I have my fingers crossed that by being so chuffed and sharing this that I am not cursing myself ! I’ll update you as to whether I do blackout in the next few days or not but this is definitely a record so far!

#Forgetfulblogger

40 Facts About Me

My blog focuses on my memory loss and blackouts but I’d also like to give readers an insight to me as a person, not just about being the Forgetfulblogger So I’m going to keep it simple and list .. facts about me!

  1. I’m 6ft3.
  2. I’m currently 25 years of age.
  3. I have a huge obsession with crisps.
  4. I write and perform my own songs.
  5. My mum was going to call me Danielle but thought she would switch it up a bit.
  6. I’m absolutely terrified of moths and butterflies.
  7. I’m dyslexic.
  8. Half Jamaican.
  9. I have a freckle on the palm of my left hand.
  10. I like dogs more than I like people.
  11. I have anxiety.
  12. I used to be left-handed.
  13. I played softball for Great Britain when I was a teenager.
  14. I heave at the thought of eating cauliflower cheese.
  15. My Nan was my best friend before she passed away.
  16. I’m bisexual.
  17. I met the love of my life at 17years of age.
  18. I prefer coffee to tea.
  19. I’ve performed alongside some huge artists including BabyD (Let me be your fantasy).
  20. I sleep in boys boxers.
  21. I have a slight fear of cats.
  22. I was born in Birmingham.
  23. Burger King is my fave fast food.
  24. I’d rather chill at home than go on a night out.
  25. I wish I was a DJ.
  26. I have a bloody huge forehead!
  27. The sound of a hairdryer and hoover help me sleep.
  28. I become close to a nervous break down if I see people with odd socks on.
  29. I like everything to be even and perfectly lined up.
  30. I can’t swim.
  31. I rarely have my back out on show as it’s covered in scars and marks.
  32. Born in a hospital which has now been knocked down.
  33. I prefer summer to winter.
  34. I’d rather sit in silence than ask for help.
  35. I never even knew what a blog was until a few months ago.
  36. I hate my natural hair.
  37. I’ve had many counselling sessions before.
  38. I can be extreeeemely lazy.
  39. I can drive but don’t have a full licence.
  40. I had to check online for some ideas to fill this blog LOL.

A Memory I’d Rather Forget

So, as i’ve explained in previous blogs- When I lost 2 years of my memory I couldn’t remember a thing from those previous couple of years until a few months ago. I’d randomly have flashbacks of little things and I wasn’t sure if they were dreams or lost memories that were coming back. I’d have to check with my partner as to whether these things had actually happened or not. For some reason, the few memories that have decided to make a come back have been coming back to me when I’ve been in bed drifting off to sleep. I’m sure im not the only one whos mind runs crazy then there trying to sleep!

A couple of nights ago I was laid in bed and a memory came rushing back to me that I’d rather stayed lost!  I became agitated and wound up all over again, I woke my partner up and started to recite the memory…

It was just under a year ago I think, my partner and I decided to eat out at Nandos. It was a lovely chilled evening, I was wearing sweatpants and no makeup (I rarely leave the house without at least some foundation and mascara on!), we were sat at a table for two and had not long finished our meal. Out the corner of my eye I saw a figure walking towards me. My heart sunk, my blood pressure rose, and my adrenanline started to pump!

It was my father.

We don’t talk.

I’d rather not go right in to reasons why, but he’s never been a father figure to me. He always let me down when he was supposed to come pick me up for the weekend- He would either turn up 3hours late or not at all. Over the years I’ve built my own views on him and let’s just say… It’s not sunshine and happiness.

I hadn’t spoken to him for a couple of years, I’d avoid him if I saw him in public, his youngest son who still lives with him had sent a few hateful messages to me over social media which I can’t be mad at him for… He’s been blinded by what his dad has told him and he only knows one side of the story.

So anyway, back to the memory of when he approached me in Nandos- He walked up to me, he was wearing a dark puffer jacket, dark cap and jeans. I looked up and was greeted with a ‘Ite, ya forgets am ya dad?’. I replied ‘Well, yeah actually!’. His attitude and the way he approached me was not a way any normal human with morals and their priorities in the right place would walk up to their daughter. Luckily, the resteraunt wasn’t too busy but I could feel the eyes of other customers burning as they watched in shock. 

I attempted to let him know how I felt about him not being there for me, letting me down, making me feel like it was my fault, but he answered with ‘You’re not a baby anymore, I don’t have to cradle you’…

SORRY WHAT!? 

1) You never knew me as a baby either, 2) I’m still your daughter so you should still show a tiny bit of care towards me no matter my age 3) You’ve just proved my point of how selfish your really are.

The next thing he said was ‘Your little brother is going to be here in a minute, you going to ignore him aswell?’. Well, for starters I haven’t ignored you (I was too wound up to not answer back to this kind of stupity that was coming from a grown mans mouth).

My legs started to shake, my hands got sweaty and I started to grit my teeth as I held back so much anger, verbally and physically. He walked off as if the stand up was over, I gave my phone to my partner and asked her to call my mum (One of the only people who knows how I really feel about him after how he’s treated me, she was the one whos shoulder I cried on when he didn’t come pick me up after I’d been waiting for hours and I knew she was the only person at the time that would be able to talk and calm me down). As my mum answered the phone he started to walk back. The next part of the conversation is a blur and im not sure whether that’s down to the circumstances and I just saw red and my mind has decided to keep it blanked out or whether the memory is still a bit broken after my memoryloss. But what I do know is my attitude became just as stinky as his and he soon walked off and left me to it. I took the phone from my partner and spoke to my mum. She said to me ‘Just get up and leave, don’t even acknowledge him as you walk out’ my reply was ‘No, why should I, I was sat here first enjoying my evening, why should I have to leave because of him?’ I can be a very stubborn person as it is but when I’m would up, it’s a whole other story!

So I stayed, only for about 10mins but enough to make me feel like I’d made a point! I was not about to back down! In the past I’d stayed quiet when it came to expressing my feelings about him but now I’m a grown woman, I’m not scared of him and I’m not afraid to voice my opinion of him! As i got up and walked out I was still on the phone to my mum, she kept talking in my ear to keep me calm. I left Nandos and explained to mum right from the start what had happened. When my partner and I got back to the car I sat, had a good puff on my ecig, then it ran out! ‘It’s really not my day!’ I said to my partner. As we were driving home she attempted to cheer me up by helping me to see the funny side of it. We laughed about things that I should’ve said to him. Don’t you find that you come up with the best come backs after an argument or debate and then you’re kicking yourself wishing you’d have thought of that before! I still had a lot of adrenaline running through me but I was starting to calm down a hell of a lot.

Obviously im happy that another piece of my lost memory has returned but this is definitely something I’d rather stayed away. I had to re-live that whole experience and it was not fun. Hopefully if any more lost memories return, they will be happier than this one!
Thank you for reading.

Thank you mum for having to play the roles of both my mother and father a lot of the time as I was growing up and being my shoulder to cry on when I felt worthless and let down in those situations when all I wanted to know was why.

And thank you to my grandad for being the male figure in my life.

#forgetfulblogger 

The Forgetful Poem 


Apart from blogging to raise awareness I am also an mc. I write and perform my own music so I thought I’d merge the two together to produce a short poem about my memoryloss 😊

I may be very forgetful and find it hard to manage,
There’s still no diagnosis so it’s clearly more than average.

Sometimes it tries to conquer me but i refuse to tap-out, 

I am more than just my memory and these awful, random blackouts.

I try stand tall and hold my head high when in social situations,

But inside im sobbing, worrying so please have a little patience.

I may forget we were supposed to meet, but please do not dismiss me,

I’ve recently forgotten friends, I hope you can forgive me.

If you see me and I don’t acknowledge, please try not forget,

I simply don’t remember how it is we may have met.

I get wound up and come across moody, you’d understand if you really knew me,

I used to be more independent, so these changes really threw me.

I try to see the positives of negative times in life,

But sometimes it all becomes too much and I tend to cry at night. 

I didn’t plan for it to be like this, I took my memory for granted,

But forgetfulness has become so natural, it’s almost like I planned it.

It’s made me appreciate so much more, like what I may have been put on his planet for,

To raise awareness for something that has no name, I’m blogging for help, forget the fame.

 ForgetfulBlogger refuses to quit so I know one day, i’ll remember this. 

 #ForgetfulBlogger 

5 Quick Tips To Help Deal With Memoryloss

For anyone that suffers from memoryloss for whatever reason, whether it be Depression, Head Injury, Brain Tumors, Epilepsy or even something undiscovered like myself – We all have our own personal coping mechanisms but there are also generic tips you can take.

Something to also keep in mind is that the person suffering from the memoryloss is not the only one affected. Things like this also affect people that are close to us like family, friends and even work collegues.

This blog will explain what coping mechanisms currently work well for me and my friends and family that may worth trying yourself 😊

1 We are still human beings. We may have a medical condition that has the ability to change a lot of things in our lives but we need to try and keep things as “normal” as possible. We still need to go out and socialise like we did before we became forgetful. We still have lives to live. If like myself, you are still able to venture out of the house then do it! If you are still capable of working even if work needs to adjust to your special requirements. Memoryloss is an awful thing and can change so much in your life and can make you become extremely depressed which will make your memory even worse (it’s like a vicous circle!). If you’re close to someone that suffers from memoryloss then try to keep all of this in mind- Please don’t treat us any different to before.

 

2A good diet. I know it sounds soo cliche but it honestly does work. It isn’t just your brain that needs good foods but your body also needs it to be able to function properly and make you feel better in yourself which helps to have better memory. Foods that are rich in antioxidants, with good fats, vitamins and minerals provide energy and help to protect our brains against brain diseases. Obviously veg, fruit, fish and certain oils are all great but even dark chocolate is good for your brain! So there’s no excuse!

 

3 – Have A System. Habits can be very powerful even though being repetitive can be very annoying… Unless you’ve forgotten about it lol! Having a system that works well for you, your lifestyle and people around you can be extremely useful. I have to take a fair amount of medication for my headaches and other health issues so I have a tablet box with the days of the week on it. I used to think this was just for old people so I felt silly using it at first but it’s actually really helpful. It reminds me to take my medication and it also let’s my partner know what painkillers I have already taken that day if I pass out and forget. If I have passed out and my partner has to go out to work then I’ll take some painkillers to get some extra sleep and when I wake up I will have a little letter written out for me from her which will tell me the date, whether I have work and what time, what time she will be back and if I had any other plans that day. This is a really useful system that works well for me and my partner.

4 – Write it down. Number 3 made me think about this one. I used to hate having little lists of everything lying around, my mum is one of those that has to do a list for everything! But since my memory has become a lot worse, I understand why she did it! I now love lists! Even if it’s just to write a list of the tidying and cleaning I want to do during the day, it not only helps me remember but I get a strange feeling of accomplishment when I’ve completed a job and can tick it off the list! Post-it  notes are also a great way to help me remember little bits. Stick them up on your fridge, cupboard doors, literally anywhere to help you remember anything! Me and my partner also have a shared calender app on our phones, we use it to write anything important that either of us need to remember- my shifts, her football matches and even our shopping lists. The app I’ve found best so far is called FamCal and it’s free to download so I would deffo recommend!

5 – Put objects in prominent places. Even people that don’t suffer with memoryloss can forget where they put their keys on a morning, we’ve all done something similar! By putting things in obvious/prominent places can be very helpful. For instance- I try to get my outfit, bag and lunch ready for work the night before when my partner is with me and can help me out if I need it. I make sure I have everything I should need for the day such as my work ID, my Fidget Cube, purse, e-cig & liquid, phone charger and so on and then I’ll leave my bag right by the front door with my keys. Also, in our flat everything has its place and although it makes the place look so much nicer it also helps with my memoryloss because if I lived in a home where things were constantly being moved about I’d become extremely frustrated with myself and whoever I lived with when I would be trying to find things not knowing whether I’d forgot where it’s supposed to be or if someone else had put it in and different place! So try to keep things neat, tidy and organised 🙂 

This was just 5 main tips that I feel could work for anyone suffering with memoryloss whether you’re old or young, male or female these are just generic things that may be worth trying if you haven’t already. What have you got to lose…? Not your memory 😉 

#ForgetfulBlogger 

The Fidget Cube Test

A couple of my work colleagues recently purchased a ‘Fidget Cube’ I’d never seen one before. They are used to relieve stress in adults and calm children with ADHD. When I first saw a Fidget Cube I immediately wondered how/if it would work for people suffering from anxiety. So, who best to try it than myself!

I purchased one from ebay, not wanting to spend too much as I couldn’t find much research for them to prove that it actually works (and I can also be a tight a*se tbh!).

It finally arrived in a small, black, zipped up case.

1st side is a smooth dip – Inspired by traditional worry stones that when rubbed tend to reduce stress and anxiety.

2nd looks like the face of a dice- It has 5 small buttons, 3 of which make a clicking sound and the other 2 are silent.

3rd is like a light switch- You can pivot the switch back and forth which also gives a small clicking sound.

4th is a joy stick- Perfect for gamers, it glides side to side, up and down, and all around.

5th has 2 different “fiddly bits”- 3 gear-like parts that roll and a small silver ball that rolls and also clicks in.

6th the spin- Similar to an old phone dial for a circular fidget.

I have put my Fidget Cube to the test many times in different circumstances

At work- I work in an office, sat at a desk all day so I do tend fidget a lot. Although my anxiety doesn’t peak too much at work anymore I do still use it when I’m walking around the building in case I bump into someone and have to actually socialise! So I just keep my Fidget Cube in my pocket and no one even knows. Unless some of them read this now lol.

Public transport– Luckily, I don’t have to use public transport very much anymore. I’ve always hated it though for many reasons. It’s dirty, rarely on time, can be very loud and it means being out in public where there’s usually lots of people. I’ve used the train twice since having my Fidget Cube and I must admit, I feel that it’s really helped. I just keep my cube in my pocket and fidget away. I sometimes just have the cube out on the table as it’s nothing to be ashamed of and if someone with high stress or anxiety levels clocks it and realises what it is, it may make them purchase and try it out.

   I hope this blog is useful for anyone suffering from stress, anxiety, ADHD or any other issues which may result in a Fidget Cube being the answer to all their fidgeting! It comes in many different colours and is also small enough to fit in your pocket or to be hidden in your hand if it’s something you don’t want others to know about.

 I would highly recommend this small but successful device😊

#ForgetfulBlogger