Sunshine Blogger Award


Hey hey im baaaack!

I have been nominated by the lovely Dollie Daydream. Please do check her blog out, she’s an amazing blogger and her page is lush!
So, ‘The Rules’

  • Thank the person at nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Answer the 11 questions your nominator has given you.
  • Nominate 11 other people and give them 11 new questions to answer.
  • List the rules and display the award.

My 11 Questions

1) If you could be any animal for a day what would it be and why?

I think i’d probably be some type of bird like, not a pigeon or anything as they are just rats with wings! I’d want to be maybe a vulture or even a magpie. They can fly around so freely, look down at the world and see so much and also… I’d sh*t on a lot of people’s heads!

2) If you could name a planet what would you call it and what would it be like?

I’d name it ‘Heaven’, it would be where you went when you had passed away. It would be just how I imagine heaven to be –  Beautiful, warm, fluffy, everyone gets along and the whole planet was at peace. To get on to the planet it would be like travelling to another country – You’d have to take identification and you could only stay there for a certain amount of time to visit your loved ones that had passed.

3) When you have had a stressful day what is the first thing you do when you get home?

As I work shifts and the times I get home are different then my methods can vary. If I’m on an early shift I get home between 14:00 and 14:30. If im stressed out then I’ll put the kettle on, find some crap TV like maybe Jeremy Kyle and I’ll sit and watch that (Always a few people on there that will make you feel better about your own life!) and I’ll wait for my other half to come home to cheer me up which is something she is extremely good at from the minute she walks through the door and smiles at me! If im on a late shift which finishes between 22:30 and 23:00 and it’s been stressful then I tend to get straight in to bed, take a deep breath, and offload to the other half who is an extremely good listener! Then have a spoon and go to sleep, reminding myself that tomorrow is another day and it will be better than today!

4) Name one thing you love about yourself and why?

I love that I can get along with so many different people. No matter their race, age, size, sex, religion, looks, sexuality, or opinions. I always try my best to not judge straight away and give people a chance. This means I have such a variety of people who I know and talk to either face to face or via social media (mainly social media because I’m not as shy behind a computer screen!). Being able to do this has got me so far in life!

5) What do you think is important in a friend?

TRUST! It’s important in anything but especially in all types of relationships. I need to be able to trust my friends and I hope that all my friends feel they can trust me. And a sense of humour is a big thing for me. Like, if we can’t giggle and you don’t get my sense of humour then it’s going to be quite challenging for us to be able to get along as friends. Girl Code! – Also a biggie. My female friends must be able to stick to the girl codes! I’m not sure if i was supposed to stick to one answer for this question… Ooops!

6) Do you live your life with certain morals or rules because of your upbringing? Why are they important to you?

Wow, this is quite a tought one as I think I have a fair few but the main morals and rules I have been brought up with are to be honest and to be open-minded. My mum, nana and grampa taught me that. I was sometimes painfully honest. At school if I did something wrong then I would always tell my mum as soon as I could. That way, she could stick up for me and she would always be understanding. If I did something that got me into trouble, there was always a reason behind it. Being open minded, my mum is the best at this especially when I told her about my sexuality. She was brought up in a different era and was taught differently but she always tries her best to understand me and my ways. These are just 2 morals that I live by and they are important to me because they have helped make me the person I am today.

7) If you were given a trolley and told you had 5 minutes to grab your favourites from your local supermarket and keep them for free, what would be your top 5 go to’s?

  1. CRISPS! Anyone that knows me, knows about my crisp obsession. Any crisps any flavour!
  2. Quorn. It’s so expensive so I’d deffo pick some up for free!
  3. Painkillers. I go through paracetamol and ibuprofen as boost for my other painkillers like their going out of fashion!
  4. Sound system. I’d deffo pick myself up a decent sound system for the TV for when I’ve got Youtube on!
  5.  Tampons! let’s be honest ladies, they should be soo much cheaper than they are so who wouldn’t grab some for free!?

8) If you could take up ANY new hobby what would it be and why?

This is a real tough one! There are soo many hobbies and I feel like I already do my fave hobbies. But I think it would probably be football tbh. Mainly because my other half is obsessed with football, she watches it, plays it, used to work in football and I’d love to be able to understand more about it to take even more of an interest in it for her and also to be able to play it so I could have a kick about with her and not look like such a fool when doing so lol.

9) If you could have one thing for breakfast tomorrow and it could be ANY combination or anything what would you choose?

It’s obvious really… A bloody huge bowl of crisps!! Enough said.

10) Ebooks or physical books?

I haven’t even been reading books for very long tbh but I definitely prefer physical books. I enjoy holding a proper book, feeling how many pages I’ve read and how many I have left to read. But, I’ve never really read an ebook.

11) What do you link yourself with more a mermaid or a unicorn?

100% unicorn. I’m terrified of open water so I couldn’t be a mermaid even if I wanted to! My mum is obsessed with unicorns and either says that she owns one or that she is one and a unicorn couldnt give birth to a mermaid! And also because unicorns sh*t rainbows!!

11 questions I’d like my nominated bloggers to answer:

  1. What made you think ‘I want to start blogging’?
  2. You wake up one day and you’re told you can do ANYTHING you want within the next 24hours?
  3. If you were stuck on an abandoned island, what celebrity would you want to be stuck with?
  4. What was your dream job as a child?
  5. Would you rather have a night out on the town or a cosy night in?
  6. Sweet or savoury? And what is your fave sweet or savoury snack?
  7. What’s your favourite thing about yourself?
  8. What’s the best compliment you’ve received?
  9. If you could wake up in the body of ANYONE else, who would it be and why?
  10. If you could be any age for the day what would it be and why?
  11. What was your favourite lesson at school and why?



I would like to nominate:

@EmmaJadeRamsell

@BumpBruiseBlog

@NicoleMcln

@SAMBAAAA_

@SimplyyChlo

@chloemtommo

@Beautyspyglass

@JohnRdToVol

@PaleGrlRambling

@kaytesfoodblog

@Rainbowimagine 

    #Forgetfulblogger 



    Life Lately

    I’ve been struggling lately on what sort of blog posts to do. I started this as a way to raise awareness about my memory loss & blackouts so I try my best to stick to the subject in all posts which can make it difficult to blog if i haven’t blacked out much! So I thought I’d give an update on the past couple of weeks.

    So, life recently has been pretty average tbh.

    As you’ll know if you read one of my recent posts – ’10 Days Black Out Free’, I was on a roll with not passing out. I went something like 12 days black out free in the end which is easily a record because it was getting to a point where I was blacking out on average at least once a week so the 12 day streak of being black out free came as a surpise! I got so excited but at the same time tried not to get my hopes up too much as I knew that a black out would be just around the corner. And it was! Boo!

    I worked my 10 days of early shifts and it actually went better than I thought. I was overly careful and took painkillers when I needed them instead of trying to be big boll*x and soldier on without them. I went to Thorpe Park with a group of friends and it was an amazing day. The sun was shining, I was with my other half and some great friends, we laughed til our tummies hurt and made as much noise as possible on every rollercoaster!

     

    After that weekend when my partner and I came home, we were both clearly tired and I just knew that a black out was on it’s way! I passed out on the Sunday and Monday but can’t really remember them ones. And I also passed out the Tuesday. My partner went off to work as usual and because she had the car with her she thought she would come home on her break to surprise me but clearly I had my own surprise for her! She came in and found me passed out on the bed. I had completely forgotten the weekend at Thorpe Park and I was gutted. I felt really low and agitated and I was supposed to go in to work to cover a shift that day but my partner had to call and inform them that I wouldn’t be able to.

    I think I’ve pretty much caught up with most of my memory now and I’ve been back to work.

    I’ve also finished reading the book that was suggested to me by the last Dr I saw at the JR. It’s called ‘It’s All In Your Head’. I was very dubious about reading this book for obvious reasons. But never the less, I’ve read it. I’m still not sure what I think about it but I have learnt a few things from it. I’m not sure if I will do a review on the book exactly but I may do a blog post on some of the things that I did learn from it.

    My partner and I also went to watch ‘Mrs Browns Boys’ live and if you are a fan of the programme then I would definitely suggest going to see it live! We went over to Birmingham early on the train as the sun was out so we visited a few beer gardens and sat catching some rays!

     The show started at 19:30 I spent pretty much the whole 3 hours of it laughing! I love it when they mess lines up or make each other laugh and just play off it and carry on like it was supposed to happen, it’s great, it really adds to the funny side of it. The only thing was that we forgot to check what time the last train back from Birmingham was and it’s safe to say that we were going to miss it if we wanted to stay and watch the whole show! BUT, luckily, my lil sis was also in Birmingham at a gig and my mum had driven her there and was taking her home so, once again, momma bear came to the rescue and we got a lift home!

    So, all in all, I’ve had a pretty decent couple of weeks. The weather has been nice to us, I blacked out less than usual, visited friends, went to a theme park, and went to see a live show! And if you read ‘A Bucket List For April’ you will see that this means I completed a fair few things on it already! Hehe.

    Thank Your for reading and I hope your last couple of weeks were as good, if not better, than mine 🙂

    #Forgetfulblogger

    The Liebster Award

    First of all, thanks scribblecity for nominating me.

    I’ve never been nominated to do anything like this before so i’m quite excited to be taking part!

    If you’re nominated the rules are:

    • Post 11 facts about yourself
    • Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you
    • Nominate 11 other bloggers
    • Ask those bloggers 11 questions
    • Let the bloggers know that you have nominated them

    Here we go…

    11 Facts About Myself

    I have recently done a post called 40 Facts About Me so I am going to duplicate a couple (sorry)

    1. I’m 6ft3 – Which is very tall for a female! I don’t really like it because I stick out like a sore thumb and it’s such a pain in the ar*e to find womens trousers that are long enough! I end up spending a fortune which i don’t think is fair, I didn’t ask to be this tall! Lol.
    2. I suffer from black outs and memory loss – Dr’s can’t seem to find a reason for it which is becoming extremely frustrating. I’ve lost the past 2 years of my life which I am slowly getting used to but every time I pass out I tend to lose the past couple of days although they do slowly come back over the following days. But I would really just love an explination for it.
    3. I am absolutely terrified of moths and butterflies! – I’ve found other people that are also scared of moths but they still think butterflies are pretty. HOW!? They are basically just moths with make-up on! Don’t be fooled by them! When I say I’m petrified that’s literally no exaggeration – I sweat and almost have a break down if I even see a picture of a moth or butterfly so I’m sure you can imagine what I’m like if I actually cross paths with one!
    4. I came out about being bi-sexual when I was about 18/19 – I remember I wrote a letter for my mum explainging it, I dropped it on her lap and ran back to my room quickly because I was sh*t scared of what the outcome would be! My mum is the most open minded and understanding person ever but I was still soo worried about telling her about my sexuality. She came along to my room, we had a chat and she comforted me then we made a few jokes about it lol!
    5. I am dyslexic – It’s no biggie these days, so many people are told they have dyslexia and there’s so many ways around it now that technology has moved forward. But, I wasn’t diagnosed with it at school, it wasnt picked up on until I was 16 and started college. I went through primary and secondary school just assuming I was thick and teachers assumed I just wasnt listening because I wasnt picking things up like my classmates. I remember feeling so relieved once it got picked up at college. I finally had answers and I wasnt just thick! It was such a good feeling, I was actually happy to be told I was dyslexic because that meant there was a reason for me struggling so much!
    6. I’m obsessed with crisps – Well, any carb really, but I LOVE crisps! Any flavour, any make, ANY crisps! You can keep all the chocolate and cakes as long as I get the crisps. And please don’t expect me to share my crisps because that would be like asking me for a limb! I can eat a share bag in like under 10mins and I’m not even ashamed haha!
    7. The sound of a hairdyer or hoover can help me sleep – Ok so this may sound weird to so many of you but even Wayne Rooney has his hoover on sometimes to help him sleep! I don’t go that far, what a waste of electricity, but I suppose he can afford it! I just have an app on my phone that plays out the sounds of hoovers, hairdyrers, washing machines, lawn mowers and so on. Aparently these sounds are all similar to the sound we hear in our mothers wombe which can be very relaxing for babies… I have no explination as to why it still comforts me…. Awks.
    8. I used to play Softball for Great Britain – When I was playing softball in my teens I really didn’t understand how playing for GB was such a huge accomplishment. I was so humble about it when I’d tell people and they would be like “OMG that’s soo cool!”. But now im older and can appreciate it i’m like damn, yeah, that’s a big thing! Me and my 2 best friends were like the 3 amigos. We were like joint at the hip and that didn’t change at softball either. We travelled to some great places with our GB team and we were so gutted when it got taken out of the olympics!
    9. I prefer dogs to people –  Come on… Who wouldn’t!? They don’t argue back, they are so loyal, cute, they know when something is wrong, always up for a cuddle, protect you no matter what, always happy to see you, yes you have to pick up their poop but I’ve also had a lot of human friends sh*t on me too… Just not in the same sense!
    10. I didn’t even understand what a blog was until a few months ago –  With my black outs and memory loss I can really struggle. Yes I have so much support around me from my fammily and close friends but I still feel so lonely as I am yet to find someone going through the same thing. So I want to raise awareness for my condition. The idea of a blog was suggested… I’d come across the word before but didn’t have a clue what it really was and after doing some research I thought WHY NOT! I still learn every day from other bloggers and I’m far from being a pro but I love it and I’ve taught so many people about my condition and found people that have similar problems all thanks to starting a blog!
    11. I’m an extremely strong believer in ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’. I believe that our lifes have already been written out, everything happens for a reason and we are always on the path that we should be on in life even when we are struggling… There’s a reason for it!

    11 Questions I Have Been Nominated To Answer

    1. What is 1 thing that has changed your life, and how/why?

    My job – It’s changed my life for the better, it’s made me mature, given me a better outlook on life, given me another chance and been very supportive through what’s been happening with my health lately and made my bank healthier!

    2. What 5 words best describe you?

    Tall, caring, humble, anxious, forgetful..

    3. What’s the scariest thing you have ever done?

    Performed with BabyD in front of 50,000 people in Liverpool.

    4. If you could give the younger you 1 piece of advice, what would it be?

    Not everyone is going to like you or agree with you so just do you and the right people will love you.

    5. What is your dream job and why?

    Probably to be a DJ mainly a radio DJ on a channel like 1xtra. I love playing music that puts others in a good mood and gets them moving.

    6. How do you pick yourself up on a down day?

    Sometimes reading some inspirational quotes on Instagram helps. But usually chatting to my other half or mum gets my ar*e into gear!

    7. What experience is at the top of your bucket list?

    My life bucket list probably has ‘Own my own house’ at the top of it.

    8. Who inspires you and why?

    My mum. She’s such a strong, independent woman that has fought through so much in her life and come out the other end even stronger! If I can be even half the woman my mother is then I’d be happy with that.

    9. What do you love the most about your friends?

    They are full of banter and rarely struggle to make me smile but can also be serious when needed.

    10. What made you start your blog?

    I want to raise awareness for my un-named condition and maybe find others in similar situations and help and share coping mechanisms with them.

    11. Which TV/film/book character do you most relate to and why?

    DORY! I think it’s pretty self explanitory! Shes forgetful like me and has memory loss like me!
    Thank you @scribbleincity for nominating me. I’ve had great fun writing this up! I did try not going on too much lol!

    I am nominating:

    Mrs_Dollie

    Chloe

    Lisa

    Nicole Francesca

    John Sennett

    Kimmiee

    Samantha

    Discount Style Guru

    Lydia Wilkins

    Emma

    PaleGirlRambling

    Questions I Would Like You To Answer:

    1. Why did you start blogging?
    2. Who inspires you, not just in the blogging world but in life?
    3. What social media app do you find you use the most for your blogging?
    4. One thing you are most scared of in life?
    5. Do you prefer a night in with friends or a night out on the town?
    6. What topics do you blog about most and why?
    7. Do you find the blogging community supportive? 
    8. If you were an animal, what would it be and why?
    9. What is your favourite genre of music?
    10. What’s the bravest thing you’ve done in the past week or so?
    11. Do you prefer savoury or sweet treats?


    #forgetfulblogger

    10 Days Blackout Free!

    Woohoo!

    It’s now been 10 days since I’ve blacked out!

    Maybe I’m cursing myself by celebrating and writing this but at this moment in time, I really don’t care! Haha.

    It wasn’t long ago that my partner and mother worked out that I was passing out on average about once a week. That’s a lot of times to be losing memory! I started to become even more depressed and worried, I was calling in sick at work more, leaving the house less and so confused all the time as to what day it actually was and what I should have been doing. My repeat prescription got longer and I just had no hope in things ever becoming any better. If anything, I thought I’d just spiral further and further down into a black hole!

    Last week I realised that I had agreed to work 10 early shifts in a row. That’s 10 days of waking up at 04:30! I didn’t notice until a work colleague pointed it out to me and I regretted it as soon as I saw the roster! When my partner found out, she was instantly worried. When I have less sleep and tire myself out, the chances of me blacking out get a lot higher. She made me promise that I’d try to nap after work and let my manager know if I started to feel too warn down.

    I’ve napped twice, made sure I’ve prepped as much as possible in the evenings like food and my outfit for the next day, and taken painkillers as soon as I could feel my headache getting worse. I’ve even been out and socialised. I’ve been to my mums for coffee, I went out for a drink with my partner when the sun was out, and I’ve been out for food for my mums birthday. So as much as I was regretting this week, I’ve actually really enjoyed it and things have been as normal as possible – No passing out, in bed at a reasonable time and socialising as much as possible.

    It’s now Friday, day 10 of 10 early shifts. I will be finishing work at about 14:00, maybe having a nap once I get home, then shower and pack ready for the weekend as my partner and I are going to our friends tonight and a group of us are going to Thorpe Park tomorrow! I’ve had a fair amount of coffee and an energy drink the past few days but I’m not half as worn down as I thought I’d be at this point!

    Now, I’m quite a believer in fate and I have my fingers crossed that by being so chuffed and sharing this that I am not cursing myself ! I’ll update you as to whether I do blackout in the next few days or not but this is definitely a record so far!

    #Forgetfulblogger

    40 Facts About Me

    My blog focuses on my memory loss and blackouts but I’d also like to give readers an insight to me as a person, not just about being the Forgetfulblogger So I’m going to keep it simple and list .. facts about me!

    1. I’m 6ft3.
    2. I’m currently 25 years of age.
    3. I have a huge obsession with crisps.
    4. I write and perform my own songs.
    5. My mum was going to call me Danielle but thought she would switch it up a bit.
    6. I’m absolutely terrified of moths and butterflies.
    7. I’m dyslexic.
    8. Half Jamaican.
    9. I have a freckle on the palm of my left hand.
    10. I like dogs more than I like people.
    11. I have anxiety.
    12. I used to be left-handed.
    13. I played softball for Great Britain when I was a teenager.
    14. I heave at the thought of eating cauliflower cheese.
    15. My Nan was my best friend before she passed away.
    16. I’m bisexual.
    17. I met the love of my life at 17years of age.
    18. I prefer coffee to tea.
    19. I’ve performed alongside some huge artists including BabyD (Let me be your fantasy).
    20. I sleep in boys boxers.
    21. I have a slight fear of cats.
    22. I was born in Birmingham.
    23. Burger King is my fave fast food.
    24. I’d rather chill at home than go on a night out.
    25. I wish I was a DJ.
    26. I have a bloody huge forehead!
    27. The sound of a hairdryer and hoover help me sleep.
    28. I become close to a nervous break down if I see people with odd socks on.
    29. I like everything to be even and perfectly lined up.
    30. I can’t swim.
    31. I rarely have my back out on show as it’s covered in scars and marks.
    32. Born in a hospital which has now been knocked down.
    33. I prefer summer to winter.
    34. I’d rather sit in silence than ask for help.
    35. I never even knew what a blog was until a few months ago.
    36. I hate my natural hair.
    37. I’ve had many counselling sessions before.
    38. I can be extreeeemely lazy.
    39. I can drive but don’t have a full licence.
    40. I had to check online for some ideas to fill this blog LOL.

    Mindset- The Book Review

    I’ve recently finished reading this extremely interesting book by Dr Carol S. Dweck. Until about a year ago I’d never read a full book in my life. I’m dyslexic and it wasnt picked up on until my college days so I went through primary and secondary school believing that I was thick because I wasnt getting the extra help and support that I needed to succeed through school. So I gave up, ‘what’s the point in trying, im obviously just dumb’. But clearly something has just clicked over the years-  I want to learn. I want to try. I want to have an open mindset and over the past year or so I’ve read about 3 or 4 full books which is a huge personal achievement. I enjoy reading these types of books about mindset, psychology and how the brain works. This book was a gift from my partner and it was a great choice!

    This book is all about how we approach tasks in our every day lives. Dr Dweck has scientifically proven that with the right mindset we can achieve anything we put our minds to. It’s all about whether you have a fixed or growth mindset. This particular book focuses on parents, teachers, CEO’s and athletes. How they can succeed and achieve a lot more by adopting a growth mindset and how so many CEO’s and athletes have failed in what they do best simply by having a fixed mindset.

    At the end of each chapter there is a small section that is a bit like a conclusion called Grow Your Mindset. This section is basically asking you to attempt to try what has been discussed in the chapter you have just read which I’d highly recommend trying and not just skipping past (I’ve been known to do this in another book before). What i also like about this book is that Dr Dweck gives a lot of real examples as she writes about different situations to help you visualise exactly what was happening during her interviews and experiments.

    Even if you’re not usually into reading about psychology I can safely say that you will be interested in this book. It will help you to open your eyes and realise why you do things the way you do. You’ll begin to have an understanding of the impact that growth and fixed mindsets have on your every day life and performance.

    This book made me smile as I read it, as I began to understand my mindset a little bit more. We all have a bit of both mindsets (growth and fixed) but we also tend to lean-to one side when we are put under pressure or want to work on our performance whether that be at work, school or on a sports pitch.

    Dr Dweck has definitely opened my eyes to my mindset and I would recommend this book not only to teachers, students or people who are interested in psychology but also anyone that feels they may have a fixed mindset that needs to have a little bit of growth!

    #Forgetfulblogger 

    Memory Loss Isn’t Something You Can See

     

    #Forgetfulblogger

    Just like depression, anxiety and other illnesses on the inside – You can’t see memory loss. People that I walk past in the street probably have no idea that I suffer from memory loss as well as anxiety and depression. They have no idea that it sends my anxiety through the roof as it makes me over think everything so much more and become even more paranoid which then gets me down and makes my depression worse. Which I guess can sometimes be a good thing because I don’t want every Tom, Dick and Harry to know whats running through my head when I’m out in public and I don’t want to be defined by it either. I am still a human being.

    On the outside and on social media I know I can come across to a lot of people as being quite outgoing and positive. But I’m clearly just a very good actress! They don’t know that inside I am thinking such self destroying thoughts as I walk past them in the streets. Thinking that they are judging me for how I look- ‘Look at the way she walks’, ‘Look how tall she is’, ‘She looks so silly’, ‘What on earth is she wearing’. I try to convince myself that this is all in my head, that im not being judged by every single person I walk past. What makes me soo special that everyone wants to look at me? Most people probably don’t even notice what im wearing or how my hair looks. I know everyone notices my height but that’s not exactly something that I can change so why don’t I just embrace it!? Much easier said than done.

    If I’ve recently passed out, all of those thoughts seem so magnified. I become a lot more weary. I look in to things a lot more because I feel I need to be on the ball more with what’s going on around me. Anyone could take advantage as I’m so confused with what day it is and what I should be doing.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is to not judge others from how they may look or come across on the outside. You never know what they are going through and how they may be feeling on the inside. Sometimes people think I look really angry, I’ve been told that people have been worried about approaching me when they’ve seen me in the street because I looked like I was ready to bite someones head off! I’m really not that bad, honest! If you do see me in the street then please do approach me. I may be stunned at first, it may take me a minute to realise who you are, you may have to explain who you are, or I may know exactly who you are and throw you a big cheesy grin! But either way, I’d be extremely grateful if you did approach me 😊

    Some people are better than others at hiding what’s going on inside their head. But that doesn’t mean that whatever they are going through is any less important or worrying as others that are able to talk about their feelings or worries.
    #Forgetfulblogger 

    A Memory I’d Rather Forget

    So, as i’ve explained in previous blogs- When I lost 2 years of my memory I couldn’t remember a thing from those previous couple of years until a few months ago. I’d randomly have flashbacks of little things and I wasn’t sure if they were dreams or lost memories that were coming back. I’d have to check with my partner as to whether these things had actually happened or not. For some reason, the few memories that have decided to make a come back have been coming back to me when I’ve been in bed drifting off to sleep. I’m sure im not the only one whos mind runs crazy then there trying to sleep!

    A couple of nights ago I was laid in bed and a memory came rushing back to me that I’d rather stayed lost!  I became agitated and wound up all over again, I woke my partner up and started to recite the memory…

    It was just under a year ago I think, my partner and I decided to eat out at Nandos. It was a lovely chilled evening, I was wearing sweatpants and no makeup (I rarely leave the house without at least some foundation and mascara on!), we were sat at a table for two and had not long finished our meal. Out the corner of my eye I saw a figure walking towards me. My heart sunk, my blood pressure rose, and my adrenanline started to pump!

    It was my father.

    We don’t talk.

    I’d rather not go right in to reasons why, but he’s never been a father figure to me. He always let me down when he was supposed to come pick me up for the weekend- He would either turn up 3hours late or not at all. Over the years I’ve built my own views on him and let’s just say… It’s not sunshine and happiness.

    I hadn’t spoken to him for a couple of years, I’d avoid him if I saw him in public, his youngest son who still lives with him had sent a few hateful messages to me over social media which I can’t be mad at him for… He’s been blinded by what his dad has told him and he only knows one side of the story.

    So anyway, back to the memory of when he approached me in Nandos- He walked up to me, he was wearing a dark puffer jacket, dark cap and jeans. I looked up and was greeted with a ‘Ite, ya forgets am ya dad?’. I replied ‘Well, yeah actually!’. His attitude and the way he approached me was not a way any normal human with morals and their priorities in the right place would walk up to their daughter. Luckily, the resteraunt wasn’t too busy but I could feel the eyes of other customers burning as they watched in shock. 

    I attempted to let him know how I felt about him not being there for me, letting me down, making me feel like it was my fault, but he answered with ‘You’re not a baby anymore, I don’t have to cradle you’…

    SORRY WHAT!? 

    1) You never knew me as a baby either, 2) I’m still your daughter so you should still show a tiny bit of care towards me no matter my age 3) You’ve just proved my point of how selfish your really are.

    The next thing he said was ‘Your little brother is going to be here in a minute, you going to ignore him aswell?’. Well, for starters I haven’t ignored you (I was too wound up to not answer back to this kind of stupity that was coming from a grown mans mouth).

    My legs started to shake, my hands got sweaty and I started to grit my teeth as I held back so much anger, verbally and physically. He walked off as if the stand up was over, I gave my phone to my partner and asked her to call my mum (One of the only people who knows how I really feel about him after how he’s treated me, she was the one whos shoulder I cried on when he didn’t come pick me up after I’d been waiting for hours and I knew she was the only person at the time that would be able to talk and calm me down). As my mum answered the phone he started to walk back. The next part of the conversation is a blur and im not sure whether that’s down to the circumstances and I just saw red and my mind has decided to keep it blanked out or whether the memory is still a bit broken after my memoryloss. But what I do know is my attitude became just as stinky as his and he soon walked off and left me to it. I took the phone from my partner and spoke to my mum. She said to me ‘Just get up and leave, don’t even acknowledge him as you walk out’ my reply was ‘No, why should I, I was sat here first enjoying my evening, why should I have to leave because of him?’ I can be a very stubborn person as it is but when I’m would up, it’s a whole other story!

    So I stayed, only for about 10mins but enough to make me feel like I’d made a point! I was not about to back down! In the past I’d stayed quiet when it came to expressing my feelings about him but now I’m a grown woman, I’m not scared of him and I’m not afraid to voice my opinion of him! As i got up and walked out I was still on the phone to my mum, she kept talking in my ear to keep me calm. I left Nandos and explained to mum right from the start what had happened. When my partner and I got back to the car I sat, had a good puff on my ecig, then it ran out! ‘It’s really not my day!’ I said to my partner. As we were driving home she attempted to cheer me up by helping me to see the funny side of it. We laughed about things that I should’ve said to him. Don’t you find that you come up with the best come backs after an argument or debate and then you’re kicking yourself wishing you’d have thought of that before! I still had a lot of adrenaline running through me but I was starting to calm down a hell of a lot.

    Obviously im happy that another piece of my lost memory has returned but this is definitely something I’d rather stayed away. I had to re-live that whole experience and it was not fun. Hopefully if any more lost memories return, they will be happier than this one!
    Thank you for reading.

    Thank you mum for having to play the roles of both my mother and father a lot of the time as I was growing up and being my shoulder to cry on when I felt worthless and let down in those situations when all I wanted to know was why.

    And thank you to my grandad for being the male figure in my life.

    #forgetfulblogger 

    Just Another Appointment?

    #forgetfulblogger

    20/02/17 I had an appointment at the JR in Neuroscience. I already had it in my head that it was a waste of time being there. Just another appointment with no answers. Luckily i don’t suffer from what some may call “White Coat Syndrome“, if im honest, i didn’t even know what this was until someone asked me about it. And if you are also unaware of this it means- People with this syndrome exhibit a blood pressure level above their normal range in clinical setting (Dr’s surgeries and hospitals). The term white coat comes from references to the white coats traditionally worn by Dr’s. So, luckily I don’t have a fear of hospitals or white coats! I just don’t have much faith in them at the moment.

    My name was called to enter the Drs office. He was a very polite man (not wearing a white coat though!), introduced himself to my partner and I ‘Nice to meet you’ he said.

    He asked what my understanding of this appointment with him was ‘I have no idea if I’m honest’. He said that was ok and asked me to give a brief description as to what has been going on since May. I tried to make it as brief as possible but he kept asking me more questions so I’d go into a little more depth about it all so this “brief description” ended up taking about 35mins! 

    He started to focus on the fact that I have quite a high level of anxiety and was asking about previous counselling sessions I’d had for my anger and anxiety. It was then that I started to get an understanding for what this appointment was all about… It was basically another damn counselling session! My partner had to take a day off work and drive me to Oxford for a counselling session!? Once I’d got this into my mind I felt a little annoyed but I tried my best to stay focused and answer all of his questions. 

    Hands starting to sweat as I rub them together and jiggle my legs whilst stutterin as I become more and more anxious with all attention being on me – ‘How was your childhood?‘, ‘What sort of cancer did your mother have‘, ‘do you have any siblings?‘, ‘what we’re your previous counselling sessions like?‘, ‘How old were you when your father left?‘. He even drew up a rough drawing of my family tree! This guy now knows more about me than most of my friends and family do. I’m starting to feel a little uneasy, I’m not very good at letting my gaurd down and explaining how I felt during what could be described as tough times from the past.

    I started to realise where he was going with all of this. He was about to blame all of these blackouts and the memoryloss on my anxiety! Man was I right! So I’m feeling a little knocked down by this approach. I’ve always said that many Drs will just give you a random diagnosis just so you feel you have an explanation as to what is happening to you even if it isn’t precise. And now this guy had just proved my point.

    Yes, I understand that my anxiety probably doesn’t help, but now this Dr has made me feel like it’s all in my head! As if I don’t feel crazy enough when I come round after passing out and I’m convinced everyone else is wrong about the day and time!

    ‘Now, don’t feel like I’m telling you it’s all in your head because it’s not, it’s very much real’. What!? ‘Do you like reading?’ He asked. Well I’d never read a full book until recently, but now I love reading books on psychology and how the brain works. ‘Perfect, I’ve got a book that you may enjoy, it’s called – It’s All In Your Head by Suzanne O’Sullivan. Is this man for real? One minute he’s telling me it’s not in my head and the next, he wants me to read a book about it being in my head! Well, I’ve ordered the book but I’m not sure whether I should read it as it may just wind me up even more! But if I do get round to reading it I will make a blog of my review 👍

    I came away from this appointment feeling quite let down in a way. I understand that he was trying to help and see it from a different point of view but I couldn’t get those words out of my mind “It’s all in your head“. But he’s the Dr, right? So he should know best. And he feels that the stress my anxiety is giving me may be a cause to my headaches as I tend to overthink things and wind myself up, putting myself under stress that could be avoided. 

    At the moment I’m willing to give anything a go to try and get this all to end or even calm right down. So he has prescribed me some new medication, it’s something that people with epilepsy take to calm them down apparently. He’s also going to sign me up to a group session to talk about my anxiety. I said I’d try my best to attend but, ironically, I have anxiety so I’m not exactly a huge fan of socialising, especially when it means sitting in a group of people I don’t know! 

    So at the moment that appointment seems pointless, just like the rest. But who knows, maybe if I can get my anxiety under control, it will stop the headaches, which in theory should stop me from passing out. I’m willing to give it a go but I don’t have too much faith in it all at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me! And if you have anymore questions about this appointment then please feel free to contact me 🙂 

    #forgetfulblogger 

    Into The Deep – #ForgetfulBlogger 

    Ok, so I was overwhelmed with the support I received after posting my first ever blog and got so excited about my next entry – But I had no idea where to take it from there! I turned to friends and family and asked- What is it you would like to know about my experiences with blackouts and memory loss, so that I could go into a little more depth with it all. So here goes…

    #ForgetfulBlogger

    -Do you ever remember things that you have forgotten and are there ways you can get any of those memories back or do they come back randomly?

    During the “big blackout” that I had where I’ve lost 2 years of my memory I have remembered a few random things. Usually something jogs my memory like in 2015 our bungalow got flooded from a burst pipe, we had to live in rented accommodation while our house got sorted. I had forgotten all of this but I used to go past the house that we temporarily rented almost every day and one day something just jogged my memory! I remembered that we had lived there for 2 months! Sometimes I could just be laid in bed thinking and I have to ask ‘was that a dream or is it a lost memory from the past 2 years?’ lol. If you can imagine waking up from a deep dream but when you try to explain it to someone it all seems quite blurry- THAT is how bits of my memory come back. When I have these smaller episodes of blacking out – I tend to loose the last 2 or 3 days and most of that slowly comes back over about a week.

    -Do the Drs know if its heredity and has anything like this ever happened to any other family members?

    No, they cant see any signs to say that its heredity and nothing like this has happened to any family members, that I’m aware of.

    -Do you know you’re about to pass out or is it sudden?

    I can never remember what or how i feel seconds before i black out, but during the lead up to me passing out- I will get a severe headache, a lot worse than it usually is. This usually gives me and others around me an indication as to what’s about to happen. Ive been told that I also become very quiet and quite withdrawn from whatever is going on and round me. My partner has told me that my veins In my hands stand out and become raised which I am assuming is to do with my blood pressure rising from whatever is happening inside my body at the time.

    -Can you remember your initial thoughts when you first come round after passing out? What goes through your mind when it happens now?

    When all of this started it was very confusing and quite scary when I first came around. Id usually be surrounded by my mother and partner and sometimes an ambulance crew. I remember the first couple of times thinking ‘I wonder if I’ve lost another 2 years or if my memory has all come back’, neither of which was right. I used to worry and get a little scared, I didn’t know  what was going on and how I ended up on the floor. Now it seems to be a regular occurrence – I wake up knowing what’s likely to have just happened and just think ‘Oh not again’, my partner asks how my head is, whether I’m in pain and what day I think it is. I still have some slight confusion when I come around and I feel quite vulnerable at first but I recover a lot quicker now.

    – What was it like when you first blacked out and came around feeling like you’d travelled to the future, how was it adjusting to every day things?

    Well I thought it was all a huge joke that everyone was in on! I was determined that it was still 2014, I’d get upset and angry because I thought that everyone else was wrong! The Dr’s were constantly asking questions to find out how much of my memory had gone and I’d get would up and annoyed with them. I did get a little bit cheeky – Id memorise signs around me so that when the Dr’s or my family would ask ‘Do you know where you are now Daniella?’ I’d remember all the signs id seen. They caught me out most of the time though! When I was allowed to leave hospital and I walked into my house a lot had changed in the past 2 years. I became quite upset and agitated with all of the changes I could see around me. I had to ask where so many things were including my own belongings in my own home. But, on the plus side – I had a whole new wardrobe, a lot more money, and a much better partner!

    -What sort of tests have you had done so far?

    So, when I started getting these horrendous headaches I went to the opticians to see if it had anything to do with my eyesight as I do wear glasses. They noticed that my peripheral vision in my left eye was absent. I had numerous field tests at the opticians and it was handed over to my local eye hospital but apart from slightly bad vision in my left eye, there was nothing serious to be seen and nothing to link it to my headaches. Things with my head kept getting worse, I tried almost every painkiller that could be bought over the counter and they just weren’t touching the pain. I ended up going to my Dr Who organised tests for sinusitis and when that showed nothing and they referred me to a neurologist. Through them I have had a lot of MRI scans, neuoropthalmology tests, an EGG test where they wired up my head and checked for any abnormal activity, and when I was in hospital I had a lumbar puncture done to check for any infections. None of which explain whatever condition it is that I have.

    – Do you ever talk to your friends and family about the effects this has on them, it must cause a tremendous strain on your personal relationships?

    I don’t think I’ve asked them outright as I believe I know how it must effect them. Obviously my mum, sister and partner are extremely  supportive and I understand the strain it must have and still puts on them. Luckily I knew them all before 2014 lol. My close friends are also very supportive and patient and have a slight understanding of what goes on and maybe after reading my blog, you too will have an insight as to what goes on. My work colleagues I think it was most strange for. They had a rough idea as to what had happened but I don’t think it really hit them until I first walked back into the office again. They obviously remembered me but had to treat me like a stranger in a way. They have also been very supportive and helped me while I re-trained for my job again which I’m extremely thankful for.

     -Does it effect your everyday life like going out?

    It doesn’t stop me from going out altogether, no. I don’t worry too much about passing out while I’m out in public and that hasn’t happened yet. But if I’ve already passed out I tend to be a bit vulnerable for a day as im still getting used to the fact that my memory has gone back a day or two. I tend not to go out by myself very often anyway so I’ve always got my partner, mother or a close friend with me for reassurance. When I first lost my memory I did worry that I’d see someone that I’d  met between 2014 and 2015 that I couldn’t remember. Or, I’d worry that I might attempt to speak to someone that I’d stopped speaking to between 2014 and 2015 for whatever reason but I think I’ve caught up with everyone now!

    Thank you so much to everyone that participated in helping me to write my second blog – Into The Deep.