Just like depression, anxiety and other illnesses on the inside – You can’t see memory loss. People that I walk past in the street probably have no idea that I suffer from memory loss as well as anxiety and depression. They have no idea that it sends my anxiety through the roof as it makes me over think everything so much more and become even more paranoid which then gets me down and makes my depression worse. Which I guess can sometimes be a good thing because I don’t want every Tom, Dick and Harry to know whats running through my head when I’m out in public and I don’t want to be defined by it either. I am still a human being.
On the outside and on social media I know I can come across to a lot of people as being quite outgoing and positive. But I’m clearly just a very good actress! They don’t know that inside I am thinking such self destroying thoughts as I walk past them in the streets. Thinking that they are judging me for how I look- ‘Look at the way she walks’, ‘Look how tall she is’, ‘She looks so silly’, ‘What on earth is she wearing’. I try to convince myself that this is all in my head, that im not being judged by every single person I walk past. What makes me soo special that everyone wants to look at me? Most people probably don’t even notice what im wearing or how my hair looks. I know everyone notices my height but that’s not exactly something that I can change so why don’t I just embrace it!? Much easier said than done.
If I’ve recently passed out, all of those thoughts seem so magnified. I become a lot more weary. I look in to things a lot more because I feel I need to be on the ball more with what’s going on around me. Anyone could take advantage as I’m so confused with what day it is and what I should be doing.
I guess what I’m trying to say is to not judge others from how they may look or come across on the outside. You never know what they are going through and how they may be feeling on the inside. Sometimes people think I look really angry, I’ve been told that people have been worried about approaching me when they’ve seen me in the street because I looked like I was ready to bite someones head off! I’m really not that bad, honest! If you do see me in the street then please do approach me. I may be stunned at first, it may take me a minute to realise who you are, you may have to explain who you are, or I may know exactly who you are and throw you a big cheesy grin! But either way, I’d be extremely grateful if you did approach me 😊
Some people are better than others at hiding what’s going on inside their head. But that doesn’t mean that whatever they are going through is any less important or worrying as others that are able to talk about their feelings or worries.