Dear Memory Loss Pt2

Dear Memory Loss,

You’ve knocked me out and knocked me down,

You’ve made me cry and made me frown.

You’ve bruised my face and made me cry,

I don’t want sympathy I just want to ask – why?

 

Why is it me you feel to attack?

Because there’s only so long that I can fight back.

I may have a small army of family and friends,

But they also wonder just when will this end.

 

It’s been over a year that you’ve filled me with fear,

Can we not change this now, maybe switch down a gear?

The doctors tried to help but they  have no idea,

I haven’t given up yet but I am extremely near.

 

I want to wave the white flag, surrender it all,

There’s no light in this tunnel, it’s just a brick wall.

#Forgetfulblogger

Q & A

I’ve been struggling with what to post lately.

So, I’ve decided to do another Q&A blog.

I invited people to ask me anything! Whether that be about my black outs and memory loss or something A little more personal.

 

  • Have they found out what causes the blackouts?

Sadly not. It’s been over a year now and I’m still no closer to having any answers. They have ruled out plenty of things that they are sure it’s not but I’m still really frustrated to not know what it is and whether it’s something I’ll have to put up with for the rest of my life. Quite depressing really as it affects so much of my day-to-day life.

  • How did you meet your partner?

Haha! I’m sure you all remember MSN from back in the day, right? Well we first started talking on there through mutual friends. We followed each other on Bebo and MySpace LOL and finally met about 8 years ago at a friends birthday party. We were together about 4 years ago but things didn’t work out. Then we came back into each others lives almost 2 years ago. Sadly, I don’t remember 2 years ago but it’s safe to say that I was over the moon when I first came round after losing 2 years of memory to find out that we were together again. She really is like my guardian angel and has helped tremendously with my health.

  • If you won the lottery, what would be your first purchase?

A house! I’d buy me and my partner our very own house together. A dream home, but not too big because I wouldn’t want like 6 bedrooms to tidy! It would have to have a pool though! And a double garage ready for me to purchase my dream car which is currently a Range Rover Evogue.

  • Is there anything you want to achieve but are scared to go and try?

Hmm that’s a tough one. I’m sure there are plenty things but you’ve put me on the spot now! … I’d love to go skydiving and things like that but I’m terrified of heights lol. I’d also love to drop everything that gets in the way and go start a full time career in music. But music doesn’t pay the bills these days unless you’re signed so I’m scared to drop things like my job as I could end up with no money and no career!

  • If they found a cause for all of this and it stopped, how would you feel?

Wow, that’s something I haven’t really thought about. Mainly because I seem to have it in my head that it will never be sorted. But, it’s become part of my life now. Quite a lot of things have had to change and I’ve had to adapt some parts of my lifestyle to be able to cope. But if one day it all got sorted and I no longer blacked out or lost my memory I think I’d feel so free! Maybe also a little weird and empty because it can take up quite a lot of my time and change a lot of my plans at the moment. But it makes me smile to think that it MAY one day be over. No more black outs, no more memory loss, no more depending on others quite so much, being me again.

  • What are your biggest fears?

Death! It scares the sh*t out of me to even think about it. And dying in a fire or by drowning are what I think would be the worst ways to go! Losing loved ones is also a huge fear of mine. I don’t have many people that I have love for or keep close so that small circle of mine means a whole lot to me. And a recent fear is. . . Losing a huge block of memory again, I’m not sure how/if I’d be able to cope again.

  • Which mobile phone apps do you use to help the counter effects of memory loss?

I use an app called ‘FamCal’ it’s a joint calendar that my partner and I use. It has become extremely helpful for both of us. It’s very easy to use and you can make to-do lists, shopping lists and just use it as a normal calendar. It’s an app that I would recommend to not just people that struggle with remembering things but also for busy families that have a hectic lifestyle with a lot of dates to remember.

  • What’s your favourite food?

Hmm, I’m not overly experimental with my foods but I do have a meal that I could eat at any time of the day no matter what – Quorn chicken nuggets with mash potato in a Yorkshire pudding, covered if gravy! Also, we all know I’m a HUGE crisp fan, any type, any flavour!

  • Your dream vacation and why?

It’s got to be Jamaica! I’m half Jamaican so it would be great to see my roots. It also looks like a beautiful place to visit all year round. I haven’t been yet though as it’s just so expensive. I did ask to go there for my 18th birthday but understandably, momma bear couldn’t afford to take me, my lil sis and herself so instead we went to the next island over – Dominican Republic and it was amaze balls!

Thanks for reading and apologies this one is short and sweet but I hope to have a few more blogs up soon so don’t forget about me just yet!

#Forgetfulblogger

 

 

 

Sunshine Blogger Award


Hey hey im baaaack!

I have been nominated by the lovely Dollie Daydream. Please do check her blog out, she’s an amazing blogger and her page is lush!
So, ‘The Rules’

  • Thank the person at nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Answer the 11 questions your nominator has given you.
  • Nominate 11 other people and give them 11 new questions to answer.
  • List the rules and display the award.

My 11 Questions

1) If you could be any animal for a day what would it be and why?

I think i’d probably be some type of bird like, not a pigeon or anything as they are just rats with wings! I’d want to be maybe a vulture or even a magpie. They can fly around so freely, look down at the world and see so much and also… I’d sh*t on a lot of people’s heads!

2) If you could name a planet what would you call it and what would it be like?

I’d name it ‘Heaven’, it would be where you went when you had passed away. It would be just how I imagine heaven to be –  Beautiful, warm, fluffy, everyone gets along and the whole planet was at peace. To get on to the planet it would be like travelling to another country – You’d have to take identification and you could only stay there for a certain amount of time to visit your loved ones that had passed.

3) When you have had a stressful day what is the first thing you do when you get home?

As I work shifts and the times I get home are different then my methods can vary. If I’m on an early shift I get home between 14:00 and 14:30. If im stressed out then I’ll put the kettle on, find some crap TV like maybe Jeremy Kyle and I’ll sit and watch that (Always a few people on there that will make you feel better about your own life!) and I’ll wait for my other half to come home to cheer me up which is something she is extremely good at from the minute she walks through the door and smiles at me! If im on a late shift which finishes between 22:30 and 23:00 and it’s been stressful then I tend to get straight in to bed, take a deep breath, and offload to the other half who is an extremely good listener! Then have a spoon and go to sleep, reminding myself that tomorrow is another day and it will be better than today!

4) Name one thing you love about yourself and why?

I love that I can get along with so many different people. No matter their race, age, size, sex, religion, looks, sexuality, or opinions. I always try my best to not judge straight away and give people a chance. This means I have such a variety of people who I know and talk to either face to face or via social media (mainly social media because I’m not as shy behind a computer screen!). Being able to do this has got me so far in life!

5) What do you think is important in a friend?

TRUST! It’s important in anything but especially in all types of relationships. I need to be able to trust my friends and I hope that all my friends feel they can trust me. And a sense of humour is a big thing for me. Like, if we can’t giggle and you don’t get my sense of humour then it’s going to be quite challenging for us to be able to get along as friends. Girl Code! – Also a biggie. My female friends must be able to stick to the girl codes! I’m not sure if i was supposed to stick to one answer for this question… Ooops!

6) Do you live your life with certain morals or rules because of your upbringing? Why are they important to you?

Wow, this is quite a tought one as I think I have a fair few but the main morals and rules I have been brought up with are to be honest and to be open-minded. My mum, nana and grampa taught me that. I was sometimes painfully honest. At school if I did something wrong then I would always tell my mum as soon as I could. That way, she could stick up for me and she would always be understanding. If I did something that got me into trouble, there was always a reason behind it. Being open minded, my mum is the best at this especially when I told her about my sexuality. She was brought up in a different era and was taught differently but she always tries her best to understand me and my ways. These are just 2 morals that I live by and they are important to me because they have helped make me the person I am today.

7) If you were given a trolley and told you had 5 minutes to grab your favourites from your local supermarket and keep them for free, what would be your top 5 go to’s?

  1. CRISPS! Anyone that knows me, knows about my crisp obsession. Any crisps any flavour!
  2. Quorn. It’s so expensive so I’d deffo pick some up for free!
  3. Painkillers. I go through paracetamol and ibuprofen as boost for my other painkillers like their going out of fashion!
  4. Sound system. I’d deffo pick myself up a decent sound system for the TV for when I’ve got Youtube on!
  5.  Tampons! let’s be honest ladies, they should be soo much cheaper than they are so who wouldn’t grab some for free!?

8) If you could take up ANY new hobby what would it be and why?

This is a real tough one! There are soo many hobbies and I feel like I already do my fave hobbies. But I think it would probably be football tbh. Mainly because my other half is obsessed with football, she watches it, plays it, used to work in football and I’d love to be able to understand more about it to take even more of an interest in it for her and also to be able to play it so I could have a kick about with her and not look like such a fool when doing so lol.

9) If you could have one thing for breakfast tomorrow and it could be ANY combination or anything what would you choose?

It’s obvious really… A bloody huge bowl of crisps!! Enough said.

10) Ebooks or physical books?

I haven’t even been reading books for very long tbh but I definitely prefer physical books. I enjoy holding a proper book, feeling how many pages I’ve read and how many I have left to read. But, I’ve never really read an ebook.

11) What do you link yourself with more a mermaid or a unicorn?

100% unicorn. I’m terrified of open water so I couldn’t be a mermaid even if I wanted to! My mum is obsessed with unicorns and either says that she owns one or that she is one and a unicorn couldnt give birth to a mermaid! And also because unicorns sh*t rainbows!!

11 questions I’d like my nominated bloggers to answer:

  1. What made you think ‘I want to start blogging’?
  2. You wake up one day and you’re told you can do ANYTHING you want within the next 24hours?
  3. If you were stuck on an abandoned island, what celebrity would you want to be stuck with?
  4. What was your dream job as a child?
  5. Would you rather have a night out on the town or a cosy night in?
  6. Sweet or savoury? And what is your fave sweet or savoury snack?
  7. What’s your favourite thing about yourself?
  8. What’s the best compliment you’ve received?
  9. If you could wake up in the body of ANYONE else, who would it be and why?
  10. If you could be any age for the day what would it be and why?
  11. What was your favourite lesson at school and why?



I would like to nominate:

@EmmaJadeRamsell

@BumpBruiseBlog

@NicoleMcln

@SAMBAAAA_

@SimplyyChlo

@chloemtommo

@Beautyspyglass

@JohnRdToVol

@PaleGrlRambling

@kaytesfoodblog

@Rainbowimagine 

    #Forgetfulblogger 



    A Bucket List For May


    So, I really enjoyed doing a Bucket List for last month and thought I’d do another one for May

    • Ride a bike in Amsterdam.
    • Celebrate my ‘Remember Day’ (The day I lost my 2 years of memory) lol.
    • Go watch the Womens FA Cup Final at Wembley.
    • Attend Birmingham Pride.
    • Go to a Vape Expedition.
    • Start reading a new book.
    • Go for a long evening stroll when the weather is nice.
    • Have a date night.
    • Go Jet Skiing.
    • Write at least 2 new blog posts.
    • See the parents in-law.
    • Go 2 weeks black out free!
    • Get back into Slimming World.

    Imagine.

    You open you’re eyes, it’s a Sunday morning. You’re just about to roll over to give your other half a snuggle but they aren’t there. They are in the bathroom brushing their teeth. ‘What are you doing up already?’ You ask, it’s Sunday neither of us have to be up until about 10am and it’s only 07:30.

    I’m getting ready for work’ They reply, looking just as confused as you at this point. ‘Babe, it’s Sunday you have football today not work’ I remind her. ‘No Daniella it’s Wednesday, I have work and the car needs to go for it’s MOT this morning, have you passed out during the night?’ She asks.

    Thoughts start rushing through my head. I’m sure it’s Sunday, I can’t have missed that many days, I don’t even remember passing out, what am I supposed to be doing today? What time should I be in work? Am I already late? Oh no I’m going to get sacked! 

    ‘Do you remember what my dad did to his leg yesterday?’ my partner quizzes me to find out if I passed out. I shake my head, I have no idea what happened yesterday if yesterday wasn’t Saturday!

    Just as I thought the gaps between my black outs were getting bigger and it was happening less. Spoke too soon didn’t I! 

    I’m starting to get upset. I’m frustrated with myself, I’m frustrated with the fact that in my head it’s Sunday so now I have to adapt myself and check everything to assure myself that I’m wrong, that it’s Wednesday. I start to sob. Sometimes it becomes all too much and all too worrying for me. Sometimes I’ve just got to let it out. Now it’s time to take some painkillers, forget about what I planned on doing before work today because that’s gone down the drain, ffs, another morning wasted. I guess I’ll just lay here in bed, hope that the painkillers take the edge off before I need to get ready for work. I can’t call in sick again, I can’t let my colleagues down again, I can’t put my job at risk. 

    I’m trying to relax, empty my mind for just an hour or two so that I can nap and try to refresh myself. 

    Imagine, this happens at least once a week. Maybe once every other week if I’m lucky. I become physically and mentally drained from constantly having to check what day it is and questioning myself as to whether I’m right or wrong. Whether that day out I was really looking forward to has already been and gone and I just can’t remember it. Having to look back at the pictures we took, seeing myself there but not having a single memory about it. Whether I had plans with a friend and now I have to be a let down. If I close my eyes will it all be over? Will I know exactly what day it is? What I should be doing without having to go all through my phone and double check everything with my partner?

    I’d love to be able to feel a bit more independent because I can remember, know what day it is, where I am, And what I’m supposed to be doing….

    Imagine.

    #forgetfulblogger 

    Dear Memory Loss

    I will not let you defeat me, I am much stronger than you.

    I will not let you define me, I am more than this one issue.

    I wont allow you to make me cry, no matter how much I don’t understand why,

    I wont allow you into my nightmares, you will not ruin anymore of my nights.

    You cannot stop me from socialising, that’s for my anxiety to do,

    You cannot stop me from getting out of bed, I refuse to stay here with you.

    I will tell the world about you, I will give you plenty of fame,

    I will tell you it’s not because I am proud, It’s because you have no name.

    No one knows or understands what you are,

    No one knows or understands the mental scar.

    You’ve stolen from me, two years of my life,

    You’ve stolen from me, that’s not fair nor right.

    I’m lucky, and I’m much better than you,

    I’m lucky, I have more support than you do.

    I’ve had my life rocked and tipped upside down, all from what you’ve done,

    I’ve had my life pushed right to the edge, and my feelings made so numb.

    I will now stand proud, with my middle finger raised,

    As a salute to the unwanted, extremely forgetful days.

     

    Spa Day – Whittlebury Hall

    20/04/17

    So, for Momma Bears birthday which was on 28th March I knew she wanted a Spa treatment so I decided to book us in to Whittlebury Hall for a ‘Mother & Daughter Pamper Sesh’

    She picked me up at 8am and we drove down to Whittlebury, booked ourselves in with a very prim and proper young lady at reception with not a hair on her head out-of-place, and got our towels and robes and changed into our bikini’s. 

    We were called for our first treatment at 10am which was a back, neck and shoulder massage in a double room. It was one of the most relaxing experiences I’ve ever had! The oils smelt amazing and the soft music was so soothing. It was a half hour massage but I would’ve laid there for the rest of the day tbh, I was so gutted when it was over! But both me and mum found out that we have tickly spots in the same place on our back but on opposite sides LOL. So, sadly, the massage came to an end.

    We decided to take a look in the relaxation room which looked really relaxing with dimmed lights, beds and soft music but at a closer examination it wasn’t so good. The beds were basically just sun loungers and rock hard. There were pictures on the walls and magazines…. The room was almost pitch black…. And my mum made a good point – Unless the magazines are in braille there’s no point in having them in here lol! We didn’t stay in the relaxation room long before we decided to see what else we could try out. We went downstairs in to the big jacuzzi and chilled in the pool for a few minutes then went and checked out the ‘Crystal Sauna’.

    I’m not a huge fan of swimming pools. I always get an awful feeling that something is on the bottom of the floor that’s going to get me but I pushed myself and lowered myself in… Not for long though! The crystal sauna was great but we could only hack it for about 10mins before we had to step out and breathe! Then I decided I’d be brave ant try the “Ice Experience”. It was basically a room with a load of ice in a dip in the wall which you rub over your body and then there was 2 showers with cold water… Really bloody cold! It’s safe to say I didn’t really enjoy it too much haha!

    We then tried another type of sauna and while I was sitting there I could help but think ‘Im sat in a room full of other peoples sweat! All over the bench, the puddles on the floor… ewwww’! When we came out of there mum thought she would be brave and try the bucket shower which was a cubicle with a bucket above your head and a chain. Obviously I opted to pull the chain which resulted in mum being drenched in freezing cold water! I loved it… Her… Not so much haha!

    After we had taken advantage of all the saunas and jacuzzi we went upstairs where mum read some of her book and i went on my tablet. We ordered our afternoon tea at about 13:45 which I must say I wasn’t looking forward to that much as it’s mainly sweet things and I’m more of a savoury kinda girl! But when it arrived it had cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches which I demolished and I also tried the scones which cream and jam were actually really nice! Mum ate the salmon (which stunk!) and the pudding type bits which I doubt she wasn’t gutted about getting all the sweet treats to herself! 

    We got called through for our pedicure and mum wasn’t too impressed with the way hers we’re done which didn’t help the fact that she had just paid a fortune for it! The colour was wong and the woman had to restart multiple times and then she rubbed half of the polish off mums big toe and she put her flip-flop on for her! On the other side of the room though I was loving my pedicure! Apart from the part when she caught a really tickly point and I almost kicked her in the face and off her stool… How embarrassing!! 

    So, all in all, it was a lush day. Very relaxing with a few giggles with my momma bear as a late birthday present for her and I will definitely be returning… Regularly!

    #Forgetfulblogger