You open you’re eyes, it’s a Sunday morning. You’re just about to roll over to give your other half a snuggle but they aren’t there. They are in the bathroom brushing their teeth. ‘What are you doing up already?’ You ask, it’s Sunday neither of us have to be up until about 10am and it’s only 07:30.
I’m getting ready for work’ They reply, looking just as confused as you at this point. ‘Babe, it’s Sunday you have football today not work’ I remind her. ‘No Daniella it’s Wednesday, I have work and the car needs to go for it’s MOT this morning, have you passed out during the night?’ She asks.
Thoughts start rushing through my head. I’m sure it’s Sunday, I can’t have missed that many days, I don’t even remember passing out, what am I supposed to be doing today? What time should I be in work? Am I already late? Oh no I’m going to get sacked!
‘Do you remember what my dad did to his leg yesterday?’ my partner quizzes me to find out if I passed out. I shake my head, I have no idea what happened yesterday if yesterday wasn’t Saturday!
Just as I thought the gaps between my black outs were getting bigger and it was happening less. Spoke too soon didn’t I!
I’m starting to get upset. I’m frustrated with myself, I’m frustrated with the fact that in my head it’s Sunday so now I have to adapt myself and check everything to assure myself that I’m wrong, that it’s Wednesday. I start to sob. Sometimes it becomes all too much and all too worrying for me. Sometimes I’ve just got to let it out. Now it’s time to take some painkillers, forget about what I planned on doing before work today because that’s gone down the drain, ffs, another morning wasted. I guess I’ll just lay here in bed, hope that the painkillers take the edge off before I need to get ready for work. I can’t call in sick again, I can’t let my colleagues down again, I can’t put my job at risk.
I’m trying to relax, empty my mind for just an hour or two so that I can nap and try to refresh myself.
Imagine, this happens at least once a week. Maybe once every other week if I’m lucky. I become physically and mentally drained from constantly having to check what day it is and questioning myself as to whether I’m right or wrong. Whether that day out I was really looking forward to has already been and gone and I just can’t remember it. Having to look back at the pictures we took, seeing myself there but not having a single memory about it. Whether I had plans with a friend and now I have to be a let down. If I close my eyes will it all be over? Will I know exactly what day it is? What I should be doing without having to go all through my phone and double check everything with my partner?
I’d love to be able to feel a bit more independent because I can remember, know what day it is, where I am, And what I’m supposed to be doing….